Moon Gazing 4 beginners

Cold days

2011-02-22T20:29:00.002-07:00

I made this little card today.

Happy Sunday

2011-02-06T13:40:00.000-07:00

Just a page from my prayer journal today.

Love,
Alek

A question for you

2011-02-03T14:57:00.003-07:00

Guys, I am so disappointed in myself. It's already February and I have yet to finish that sock that I started knitting again at the beginning of the year. I haven't cheated on the sock with any other of my shiny WIPs though, so the project monogamy resolution is still going strong. I just haven't been knitting.

Or blogging, obviously. I'm such a sucky blogger. I really am.

I will have you know, however, that instead of knitting or blogging, I've spent January 2011 reading. Which definitely qualifies as an edifying and worthwhile investment of time. I'm up to my eyeballs in books these days and I'm loving it.

So far this year I have read two books, one about eco-feminist catholics and one about the use of prayer beads in different traditions and I've been keeping up with the daily mass readings and the liturgy of the hours. Right now I am reading a book on the history of prayer from homoerectus to modern day religious folks called Prayer: a history (I wonder if anyone else thinks of Hermione Granger when they hear that title)

That certainly qualifies as a lot of reading in my opinion.

On a related note, here's a question for you: Gentle blog reader, I seek merely to please you with my writing, as you know. In order for me to better serve you, I need to know what you want from me. Are you interested in my spiritual stumblings? Do you care about my knitting? I know lots of my readers are family, do you want more pictures of Roxie Max and Salem? Every time I write a new post I feel a little bit nervous. When I write about religious stuff I'm worried that I'll offend someone or seem like some kind of mystical hippy fruit loop. When I write about knitting I'm worried that I'm boring the pants off non-knitters. When I write about Dalin or Roxie or the kitties I'm worried that no one cares about my freaking dog. Ya know?

Could all this worrying be the product of an overly anxious mind? It's possible.

But still, I want to know. Please leave a comment with any thoughts about what you'd like to see here.

I like movies with words at the bottom.

2011-01-25T12:33:00.002-07:00

I really like watching foreign movies. If I were smarter, I think I would try to learn every language in the world. It’s just so cool to hear people saying things that I would say but in such a different way, you know? God, I’m only three sentences in and I am already on a weird tangent. I just think it’s really exciting to hear other languages spoken. It reminds me how big the world is. I think we tend to live in a little American bubble these days, most of the time I walk around pretty much unaware of the fact that America /=/ The World. IT’s also comforting, though, to see movies from far away lands and see that people are pretty much the same everywhere.

I love a good list almost as much as I love movie trailers (Seriously, I could spend hours on youtube watching nothing but movie trailers), so in this post I am going to give you both. This is a list of my top 5 favorite foreign films and their trailers. Everyone should see these movies!

First off: an honorable mention. This one isn’t a film, but a mini-series.

FLCL (Fooly Cooly/ Furi Kuri)

This is a Japanese show that you will probably have to watch a couple times to “get” if you are like me. It moves really fast and there’s a lot going on in every scene. The trick is to not worry about understanding everything, it all comes together in the end. I would say that it’s a classic coming-of-age story against the backdrop of some crazy japanese sci-fi epicness with a fair amount of sexual tension and disfunction, all in six episodes!

The best thing about FLCL though, is the music. All of the music is done by the best japanese rock band around, The Pillows. And there is a TON of music in this series. As someone who was a Pillows fan before I was an FLCL fan, it’s almost like the whole series is an epic music video. A warning though, these songs will definitely work their way into your brain and you’ll be humming them the next day. I promise.

5. Nana

If you are even remotely involved in the manga/anime scene, you probably know about Nana. This classic japanese manga turned anime turned film follows the story of two girls with the same name, same apartment, and totally different personalities. Sounds like a chick flick so far, I know, and it kind of is, but I know men who enjoy it as much as I do. This one also has good music in it, so even if just for the music, everyone should watch it, I think!

4. Gegen Die Wand (Head-on)

Gegen Die Wand might be the first foreign movie I ever saw outside of school. Full disclosure: This is definitely not a kid’s show. Drug use, angry sexuality, and violence play a big part here. I remember watching it on IFC in my room as a freshman thinking “Holy crap, this kind of stuff exists….and on TV?” I’ll always remember this movie because it was the first to push the boundaries of what I accepted as beautiful. It can be hard to watch sometimes, but it’s worth it.

3. Cowboy Bebop

Can you tell my husband is a Japanophile? Cowboy Bebop is another really popular manga turned anime turned movie with awesome music. Of all the movies on this list, this one is the most lighthearted. Boisterous, jazzy music strings along a fun story about bounty hunters in space. Don’t let the funny looking kid with the cute dog fool you though, grown-up themes like love, duty, and self worth are addressed poignantly throughout.

*note: the video above is in English. If you plan to watch this movie (or any foreign movie) I HIGHLY recommend you watch it in the original language with the subtitles turned on. English voice actors tend to be….not so good, which can really ruin an otherwise great movie.

2. Au Revoir Les Enfants (Goodbye Children)

I think I started watching this movie in French class, but I don’t remember finishing it. Maybe I was out of class or something. I watched it on my own recently on netflix though and it blew my mind. Au Revoir Les Enfants is about a Jewish boy hiding in a Catholic school in France during WWII. The sets and costumes are fantastic and I love the light filters they used to film. It’s got kind of a grainy, dark look to it which adds to the dreary feeling of the movie without being obnoxious. The boys in the movie are incredible actors. Usually I don’t like kid actors that much because I think they tend to over-act. Au Revoir Les Enfants takes a minimalist approach when it comes to the acting. Nothing seems forced or false at all. Lovely, lovely movie overall. It kind of reminded me of the American movie Empire Of The Sun, starring a young Christian Bale (Another super amazing movie, but that’s for another list) in that it shows the experience of children during war time, which is always inspiring to see. Kids are so much better than us, really.

1. Paradise Now

This movie Blew. My. Mind. I was shocked the whole time I was watching it because, here we are at war with basically a whole race of people and there I sat, watching a movie, realizing that this was the first time I had heard the Arabic language spoken softly. How many Americans think that Arabic is a harsh, ugly language because the only time they hear it is on TV when it is being shouted by frightening men with guns and turbans. The fact is that Arabic is a beautiful language. It sounds like it just drips off of the tongue.

This is definitely what I would classify as a minimalist movie. In fact, there isn’t all THAT much talking at all. SO much of the acting is in the eyes and body language, and let me tell you, every single actor in this movie is absolutely top notch. In the entire film there is not even a moment where you don’t feel like it is real.

This movie made me sad. It made me realize that here in America, we are only hearing half of the story of what is going on “over there.” It was shocking to me to realize that I had been so ignorant, and that’s never a happy realization. It is worth it though, because I think I am a better person for having loved this movie. I mean, sure, it’s still a movie and I don’t have the experience in the middle east to know how hollywood-ized it is, but I feel like I know more about these “terrorists” now, so at least it is a step in the right direction.

Movies like Paradise Now are important, because they make you see the humanity in people that our government and media have tried to de-humanize. In the end, we are ALL the same. We are all human. And this is a fantastic movie.

A very glum, very foggy, very drippy sort of day.

2011-01-15T12:30:00.001-07:00

Howdy, friends! It’s a very glum, very foggy, very drippy sort of day today. My camera is cheap enough to really need a sunshine-y day to take good pictures, so pardon the photo quality in this post.

Since my last post, I figured out what was wrong with my sock. I think I have managed to fix it so that it looks good enough for me. It’s not perfect and my socks will be *slightly* different, but I’m okay with that. I love knitting, and I love wearing knitted socks, so these socks are Enough. I haven’t gotten too far on the sock, I’m still decreasing the gusset stitches after the heel. (I’d show you a picture but I can’t get a good enough photo in this light. Use your imagination. ^^ ) I haven’t started any other craft projects though, so I am still on track for my goal of finishing up the unfinished projects in my closet. Now that I think of it, glum, foggy, drippy sorts of days make good days for knitting socks. I’ll probably get pretty far on it today!

Two new things came into my house since my last post. Books! Two of them! D and I noticed a new used book shop in town, I don’t know how new it actually is, but we had never seen it before. It’s a really sweet little shop. As is expected, there is a huge selection of paperback romance novels and westerns, but there is also a respectable collection of philosophy, religion, and poetry.

This is a Big Red Book that I had to have. It’s like an encyclopedia of Ballet. For each ballet it gives the opening dates, principal dancers, stage directions, and any cultural notes. It’s fun to sit on the floor with your legs crossed and this Big Red Book on your lap.

Maybe I will live to see all of these ballets!

This is the other book I got. The store owner gave it to me for half off when he saw how my face lit up when I saw this little book sitting innocently on the shelf. It’s a Sunday missal (or catholic prayer book) and I am madly, deeply, in love with it. I’ve spent at least five cumulative hours in it and I’ve only had the book for a day. I have a feeling that this book and I are going to become good friends.

Talk again soon!

-Alek

I forgot how to knit!

2011-01-10T12:46:00.003-07:00

“Just relax, listen to the sound of ma voice. You R feeling an intense need to give tha puppy some head scratches and unlimited peanuts from the pantry…” –Roxie the puppy

Hey guys. There’s a lot going on in my head the past couple days. I’ve caught the housekeeping bug again! I think I’ve brought up here before how I tend to go in cycles, one of my phases that I cycle through is the “domestic phase.” I like to call it Nesting. In the past few days I have organized and decluttered numerous little nooks of random messiness that seem to multiply in my home. I’ve learned how to bake bread, it’s just the simplest recipe, but I now think I have a basic understanding how How Bread Happens. I want to bake my own bread all the time now!. Yesterday I cooked a turkey for the first time. Nothin’ fancy, just roasted it with some seasoning salt and put most of it in the fridge for turkey sandwiches and such. Right now I’m making broth from the bones and stuff. I think I’ll make soup this week!

But anyway, the thing I really wanted to blog about today is my socks! This is my first project of the year from my pile of unfinished craft projects. I knit the first of these socks…oh, I think it was last summer. It’s hard to remember. I really liked knitting it, it’s weird how things just don’t get finished even if one has fun doing it, but I guess it happens. The yarn is gorgeous and multicolored and smooshy and soft and shiny, I love it a lot. The colorway is mostly dark jewel tones, purple, blue and green, but my FAVORITE color in the yarn is the yellow. Every so often I’ll be knitting along and all of a sudden this gorgeous sunshine color will come up in the yarn. It’s always a surprise. It’s nice to get a break from the more intense dark colors every once in a while.

This is the gusset if the first (finished) sock. It looks impressive, right?

The pattern is called Spring Forward from Knitty.com. It’s a pretty simple lace pattern, I memorized it after only a couple repeats. BUT it *looks* complicated. Which is what we are aiming for here. :3

I guess I should confess though, that I have majorly messed up somehow. I have a feeling that his will happen a lot this year as I pick up old projects because what happened was this: I picked up the half-finished sock and couldn’t tell exactly where I had left off before. Now, I know how to knit a sock (or so I thought) so I went ahead anyway and started knitting thinking that, as long as it looked like the other sock that it would match.

_{It looks so pretty and innocent, but don’t let this picture fool you. Something is afoot. Haha….ha}

It does not match. Somewhere along the way I have forgotten how to knit a sock.

I’m not quite sure where I went wrong first, so I don’t yet now the best way to go back and fix it. As of right now, this lovely sock you see on the needles there before you is hidden in my purse, so as not to upset my temper (I don’t actually have a temper, that was a joke.) Today I plan to have a nice long sit-down with it and get down to the bottom of the problem here.

I’ll let you know when I figure it out.

Love,

Alek

Spiritual Dry Spells

2011-01-02T15:00:00.001-07:00

"My faith is sometimes that my faith will return."

I came across this quote a while ago online. It's attributed to J K Rowling, who was referencing something Graham Greene once said. When I read it a light came on in my head. You know when sometimes it's like words or phrases or images can "sing" to you? In the pagan community these moments of enlightenment are sometimes called cosmic two by fours, like the Gods are hitting you over the head with a truth and once you get it you feel a little stupid for having taken that long to listen. I've also heard people refer to these moments as God breezes. However you want to say it, I'm pretty sure this is a universal experience. Since this little sentence resonated so much with me, I want to share what I think it means.

So, let's talk about spiritual dry spells, shall we? I think these are also universal experiences. I don't think anyone can get through a whole life without having a few serious spiritual dry spells. This is when you just get caught up in the day to day point A to point B parade and give little time or energy to deeper matters. It happens. You can't beat yourself up for it. For people like me who are spiritual by nature, it can be pretty difficult to go through these times. A while ago, I'd say at least a year ago, I was struggling with this lack of balance between the spiritual and the mundane. I was actively fighting for my medical health, I was at a time in my life where I had to plan every day how I would handle the anxiety and depression that had settled into my heart and it took all of my energy to stay stable. I didn't have enough energy left over to meditate or look into any new religious ideas or spend any time in devotional activities.

This is when many other bloggers might start talking about how our soul's well-being is supposed to be numero uno on the list of priorities. As ideal as that sounds, I don't think it's practical. It's all well and good to work on coming to terms with ones eventual decline, death, and hopefully commencement into a hereafter, but at the same time, life is happening right now. We may be more advanced than our pets, but we are certainly animals, and our god-given natural instinct tells us to see to our physical well being first. When I was on the debate team in high school, one thing we often brought up in our cases was Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, the foundation of which is the physical self. Without this, none of the other natural rights can be achieved. What I'm trying to say is that first things come first. Sometimes our immediate physical needs is more important than adhering to our normal routine of devotion and thanksgiving.

And that's okay. I promise.

Just because you haven't prayed in a while doesn't mean God has forgotten you. The Divine Spirit, that unnamable God which permeates all things, doesn't have a mind like ours. It can't run out of memory space. Every tiny action or exchange of energy alters the fabric of existence forever, and since God *is* that fabric, of course he knows all about it. I think that, in the same way I am aware that my hair grows faster on the right side of my face than the left, God is aware of the uniqueness that is me, since I am a part of God's body.

We, as humans with human minds, can sometimes forget though. We can't always be aware of everything in the way that God is. So sometimes we forget about the Divine. Of course, this isn't the ideal state of existence, but who can maintain an ideal indefinitely but God?

I think it's important to remember that life tends to go in cycles. You might be in a spiritual dry spell right now, and if you are, just know that it will end eventually. We all go through ups and downs in this respect just as we go through ups and downs with everything else in our life. The important thing is to keep in mind that right now isn't forever.

Wooly goings-on

2010-12-30T11:26:00.001-07:00

Hey guys! It’s almost the new year so, as per my resolution to finish lots of my works in progress, I’ve wrapped up the couple of projects I was actively working on so that I can dive right in to my closet-o-projects on January 1st.

Up first is my squirrely sweater. I wanted to knit myself a big smooshy wool sweater in a natural sheepy color. I used Fisherman’s Wool which I got from Michaels. It’s from Lions Brand, so not super high end, but not bad either.

I had fun knitting this one because it was so boring. I think this is my knitting “style.” I like to knit things that are straight forward and simple. Knitting is a calming activity for me, so I don’t usually like for my knitting to be too complex or I wont be able to relax while knitting.

My original plan was to have stripes or something along the hem and a colorwork squirrel on there somewhere. But that didn’t happen. *shrug* I’m really happy with how it turned out. It’s heavy and comfy and warm. Perfect for hibernating in!

Ok, I’ll show you now Pardon the low quality photos, I had to use my webcam. haha

At first I thought I was unhappy with the bagginess of the sleeves, but with a couple of wears I find that I like them more than I thought I would. They make me feel quite snuggly indeed.

Believe it or not, this if my first full sweater. I’ve knit a short sleeved cardigan before, but nothing this big. It’s a knitting milestone!

Besides my sweater, I also wanted to finish plying the yarn that I had started spinning AGES ago. This is a 50/50 blend of wool and tussah silk. It had been resting in my closet for a while after our dog chewed up my plying spindle. At Christmas though, I got a new turkish spindle (from knitpicks.com) from my Mother-in-law so I wanted to finish this right away.

In the picture below, you can see that I was winding the cop upside down. Haha. I was at my mother-in-law’s house that day so I didn’t have access to youtube or my spinning books so I winged it.

Pretty, yes? I love the turkish spindle. It looks like a helicopter when it’s spinning, which is fun for me and my pets. I’ll be excited to try spinning singles on it for the first time. Plying on it was super fast and easy, but I’m not so good at spinning singles on heavier spindles. But we shall see!

This is the finished yarn as it sits right now. That’s a dime in there for scale. I’d say it turned out to be about sock weight. It should also be noted that these pictures don’t acpture the true color very well. It’s much more purpley in person.

I’m not sure what I am going to knit with it. Maybe a lacey beret style hat. I guess I could make socks with it. For now it’s just being beautiful in it’s unknit state and smelling faintly of the countryside.

On Bigness, A Post In Which the Author Comes to Understand a Prayer

2010-12-16T15:32:00.002-07:00

View from 149249513 km above 70°N 146°25'W

Satellite data provided by The Living Earth^® Inc./Earth Imaging
© 1996, All Rights Reserved.

I found this image the other night while I was feeling pretty down, and I soon realized that this image had had an extremely comforting affect on me. The following post is some out-loud thinking on my part as to why.

I have a problem with Winter, as some of you know. I tend to become depressed this time of year. Over the years I have come to the conclusion that this has a lot to do with the lack of sunshine we get in the Winter. This image made me remember that, even at the darkest time of the night at the darkest time of the year, it is a sunshiny afternoon somewhere not so very far away.

I think that a lot of us get tricked into thinking that the world is just what we see of it. We get so caught up in our own lives that we forget that our life is actually small and insignificant in the slightly bigger scheme of things. I think this might be part of what Shakespeare meant when he said; "There are more things in Heaven and Earth that are dreamt of in your philosophy."

The thought that the universe (Multiverse? Infiniverse? Whatever we're calling it these days" is infinite is infinitely comforting because there are infinite reasons to be happy. Are you following me? No matter how horrible things seem right now, be comforted in the fact that nothing has changed. The world is still beautiful. Love still thrives on this little blue marble in the vastness of space. Or, to put it another way...

As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be. World without end. Amen.

I think this post may be a bit confusing. The thoughts are still raw, you see, and not very eloquently communicated. But for now, this is my best.

Resolutions!

2010-12-07T16:09:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone. I know it's been a long time since I've written anything here. I will have you know, however, that updating the blog regularly is my top New Years resolution.

I plan on having at least one new post a week. Well, that's the bare minimum I have in mind, ideally I'd like to have a couple new posts a week. I am thinking of a few topis to do series on. For example, I want to start a series of posts about Paganism as it applies to homemaking and wifely stuff, so let's say I decide to write a post about that every Wednesday. But then I could have another series (I'm thinking “Knitting as a Spiritual Practice” is one I want to do, too) running at the same time, with new posts on Saturdays. See, that way I can have lots of new posts about stuff that I am really into, and not so many of the boring “look what I did today” kind of posts.

So yeah, looking forward to that. Definitely expect a new level of blog commitment from me in the coming year.

Another resolution involves the many in-progress craft projects sitting in my closet. I have left at least 15 projects unfinished ranging from spinning to knitting to quilting. It's pretty sad really. There's nothing wrong with any of these projects, I just got bored of them and abandoned them at some point. So my goal is to work on getting many of them done this year. Maybe all of them, but I don't know if that is being too ambitious. In order to work through them with some sense of direction, the plan is to be completely project monogamous all year, and documenting the entire thing here.

Project monogamy is something that I've never been good at. What it means to be project monogamous is to only work on ONE project at a time, until it is completely finished, before moving on to the next. If you know me very well you know that I have a terribly short attention span when it comes to crafts. I think it will definitely help me to knock out some of these old projects.

That should be fun. I think I'll post updates about what I'm working on weekly, or maybe monthly or something. I don't know yet. Expect a super exciting post sometime in early Janurary documenting all of my poor abandoned projects, for all the world to see. It's actually kind of embarassing. Then you all will know how scatterbrained I truly am. The shame! Haha...

Anyway..

I'm really excited about the coming year! I know I have been far from the best blogger, but I'm really appreciative of all the readers I do have, and hope you all will stick with me as I try to make writing and blogging a bigger part of my life.

Mary Mary quite contrary

2010-11-22T15:14:00.003-07:00

I have had my first really big panic attack of the season. It was two nights ago. Sweet mercy, it was terrible. I ended up almost overdosing on my klonopin, throwing up bile, and screaming at my mom through the phone. My problem was that I was completely ungrounded. I had managed to get myself in a train of thought that led me further and further from my home. I was constantly thinking about the universe, black holes, alien races, infinity and such. It was scary to me, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was like having a song stuck in my head, but instead of a song it was scary abstract thoughts that made me feel alone and hopeless. I was beside myself with terror at the thought that there might not BE anything after this life.

It was augmented by the fact that I have been going through something of a crisis of faith. I normally wouldn't refer to this kind of change to a "crisis" but, given the effect it has had on me, I think it's appropriate. Catholicism is attracting me like a magnet right now and I am honestly considering conversion. Now, I say this, but I don't know that the Catholic community would actually welcome me, because no religious teaching will cause me to betray my liberal ideals. However, I feel a sudden and very strong connection to Mary and Jesus. Their mythology is different from the God/Goddess theory that I tend to agree with, but in many ways they do fit the bill. I have been praying the rosary daily for a couple weeks now and I have found that this practice has brought me moments of profound peace. I'm not going to ignore this calling that I feel just because I disagree with some of the political positions of the Catholic Church.

One thing I find enlightening about Catholicism is that Jesus and Mary are the conduits through whom we can contact God. I've had trouble with the God concept in the past because I can't relate to it. How on earth can someone worship something that they can't even fathom? Jesus and Mary represent the essence of God in a human form that I can understand and therefore revere appropriately.

This mental shift has left me feeling a bit icky. I don't want to abandon the archetypeal Goddess and God of Wiccan mythology, and I don't think I ever will. I am trying to somehow mesh these two powerful theologies, but am finding it difficult for obvious reasons.

I have always known that I should follow my heart, no matter where it goes, when it comes to my spiritual journey. I find solace in the belief that God (who/what ever that is) understands that I am doing my best. I'm just in a kind of weird in-between stage right now. Don't worry though, my dear lovely blog readers, witchy goddessy dirt-worshiping hippy stuff will continue to be a huge part of my life and of this blog.

Hopefully things will fall into place soon.

Here is the church and here is the steeple

2010-04-12T08:48:00.001-07:00

So yesterday I went to church with my mother-in-law. It was my idea, and an idea that came up suddenly. I hadn’t even been thinking about it before I did it. I just noticed that it was Sunday and thought “Man, I kind of miss going to church.” Which led to “I bet Jan’s getting ready for church right now.” Which led to “I should text her and see if I can go.”

Jan, of course, was all for it. She really is a wonderful person. One might be inclined to think that, being a devout Mormon herself, she would go out of her way to try and force me to go to church and convert me and also bring her son back to the flock, so to speak. But no, she’s never been like that at all. She really does see the good in people and even when you can see that it’s hard for her, she does her best to understand and not judge people she disagrees with. She’s an incredibly strong woman and a great mother. I’m glad to have a mother-in-law like her.

Ahem, anyway, got sidetracked there.

I had a great time at the LDS church.I had totally forgotten that in the Mormon church you don’t go up to the front to receive communion (Or Sacrament as they call it, but I’m pretty sure it’s the same thing.) but that people come down the aisles and the bread and wine (Water, actually) get passed amongst the parishioners. I was all ready to stand up and get in line but then I was like “Oh yeah! I remember this!” I used to think the Sacrament was like grown-ups snack time. Haha.

Eh, I just realized that some of my readers might be confused right now. I was Mormon as a young child. That’s why I remembered some stuff.

I also got to go to the Relief Society class, which was kind of exciting because we left the church before I got out of Primary school (Relief Society is a church group for adult women.)

Now, obviously there were quite a few teachings I heard that I didn’t believe to be true. That was to be expected, but all the same, I had a good time. Even though I disagreed with many of the things being said, as I sat and listened I felt a great deal of peace building inside of me. Being surrounded by people who truly believe in their religion and who are so profoundly comforted by their belief is a wonderful experience. Religion is such a powerful force and it’s great to see people who experience it on such a personal level.

Granted, I very well may be way off. For all I know, many of the parishioners were political and fought for governmental change that I am firmly against. Many of them may have been suffering by going to a church that they felt was holding them back and trapping them in bad situations.

I’m sure not all of them were as peaceful as they seemed within the church.

At the end of the day though, we were all at church and what they did or how they felt outside of church wasn’t relevant. For a few hours everyone was quiet and humble and comforted.

It was a good thing.

I wish pagans had weekly church. Once a month to get together and celebrate the full moon just isn’t enough to build the kind of strong community I felt in the LDS church. As a kind of wayward pagan, with my perhaps unusual agnostic beliefs, community is something I crave on a deep level. So even though I will never completely agree with them, even if they never fully accept me, and even though those same people may be my “enemies” politically, I’d like to go to church more often.

After all, any religion that brings people comfort and peace is valid and worth study, even if parts of it are contrary to your personal beliefs.

Homeowner Pride.

2010-03-21T10:13:00.001-07:00

I love my new home. I love everything about it. I love it so much that it's difficult for me to write about it in proper paragraph form. So, bullet points it is.

I love that the sun shines in through the sliding glass door that leads to the backyard in the morning. My medication plus my general apathy tends to make it difficult for me to get out of bed in the morning. It is so much easier when I think "I just have to make it to the kitchen table, where I can drink coffee and write or read or stare off into space while the sun shines in my eyes." It's fabulous. I'm doing it right now, in fact. Mornings are spectacular here. My neighbors have a huge willow tree that we can see from that back door and right now it is yellow and odd-looking with new growth. It's been a windy past few days (or weeks..) and the willow tree makes it bearable, because it's just so lovely in the breeze.
I love that I have a yard. The other day I took out an old sheet and some pillows and a book (Cold Mountain, if you must know, it's beautiful) and read out in the sun for hours. I moved here from an upstairs apartment, so having grass at my toes is new and exciting for me. I love laying down in the lawn and inhaling deeply, smelling the lovely scent of fresh baby grass and the earthy musk of dead winter grass together.
I love how bright my home is. Large windows in every room, glass doors, and an airy, open floorplan make for a cheerful home indeed. It is very rarely dull and dark in my home as it so often was in the apartment.
I love, love, LOVE, not having downstairs "neighbors," in fact, I love not having neighbors just on the other side of the wall at all. Our neighbors are now at lawn's length away with a fence between. This means I can crank up the volume to any music I damned well please without worrying about being judged poorly on my music taste by at least three households. It means I can vacuum at midnight if I feel the need. It means that I (and the kids I babysit) can run and jump and make noise all we want. It means I can be as loud as I want when having sex with my husband without imagining the creepy guy next door listening. I finally feel like I live in a place that is "mine" and I can honestly and truly do as I please there.
I love that I'm allowed to decorate my home. Which isn't to say that I've gotten around to any decorating yet, but it makes me happy to know that I can. I can put as many nails in the walls as I want and can also paint those walls any color that suits my fancy. I can get crazy carpet installed if I want. It's MY house, after all.
I love that I can do my own laundry now. In the apartment there was a laundry room down by the office, but we never used it. Instead we wore all of our clothes until we literally had NO clean clothes left, then we'd haul all of our dirty laundry to my mother in law's house and sit there all day doing nothing but laundry. Now washing clothes fits pretty much seamlessly into a normal day. It's so great. You have no idea.
Most of all I just love that my home is really my own. I don't have to share it with intrusive neighbors or a landlord, only my husband and my cats. I can do just as I please to and in and around the house. I can be myself and change my surroundings to reflect my personality. I can be proud when inviting people over. I have privacy and freedom.

So for anyone who's wondering "How's life in the new house?"

It's fantastic.

A questionnaire.

2010-03-13T12:09:00.001-07:00

Yeah yeah, it's been forever. I don't feel like doing an update-y post today though. Too much work. Instead, I found a questionnaire that I thought was pretty fun and might give ya'll a better picture of what exactly it is I believe in. Might help myself answer that question more fully as well.

I'll start writing regularly again soon, I promise.

PAGAN QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you have a magical name?
No. Honestly, I think it's kinda silly. And I like my real name.

Does it have a special meaning?
Not applicable

How did you find Wicca/Paganism?
Oh god, it's hard to say. There seemed to be a period of a few months where everywhere I went I heard about it or saw something about it and I just kind of gradually drifted over.

How long have you been practicing?
It's hard to say, again. I think I did my first spell in middle school so that means...at least seven years. I think.

Solitary or group practitioner?
I've been to a few full moon rituals, but at my core I feel better about practicing alone.

What is your path?
I guess you could call it eclectic agnosticism, but that sounds lame. I keep my mind open to God, no matter where I find it, so my "path" changes regularly, or rather, it is regularly added to.

Are you out of the broom closet?
Yes, my family and friends know that I identify as pagan, but it's not like it's the first thing I spout out to new people I meet either. If religion happens to come up organically in a conversation, sure, I'll share, but I'm not one of those who say "Oh yeah? Well I'm a WITCH!" or whatever.

Gods/Goddess

Who are your patron Gods?
I don't have one.

Who are your matron Goddesses?
I don't have one.

Which Gods/Goddess' do you worship?
I don't worship them. I see gods from most religions as archetypes that can be helpful in visualization etc, but do I actually think there are people up in the clouds who are intensely invested in my, or anyone else's, personal life? No. The only "god" I worship is the Divine Spirit or whatever the hell you want to call it. I should do a separate blog post about this question.

Do you fear dark aspects of the Gods/Goddess, or rather, respect them?

Fear and respect are not mutually exclusive. I both fear and respect the cruel side of nature and divinity.

Do you worship the Christian God?
No. But more power to those who do.

Do you ever worship animals?
no

Or plants?
no

Nature

Do you regularly commune with nature?
It depends on what you define "commune" to mean. I've been known to stare at trees for uncomfortable amounts of time. Does that count?

Ever walked barefoot in the woods?
No, that's dangerous. I'd do it in my yard though.

Taken a camping trip just to talk to nature?
I don't really do camping. I know, I'm a terrible pagan.

Describe the moment you felt closest to Mother Earth?
One time my best friend and I went exploring in the woods behind her house. It was awesome.

What is/are your power animal(s)?
Don't have one. This is another common thing in paganism that I find a wee bit silly.

Do you have a familiar?
I have pets who I am close to and feel like I have an almost human relationship with, but I don't know about familiars.

Have you ever called upon the powers of an animal in ritual?
Probably.

Or a plant?
Probably.

Do you hug trees?
No. But I like to lean against them. That's kind of like a backwards hug, yes?

Give them gifts?
Biodegradable offerings of milk or rose water or a scrap of paper with a message on it? Sure.

What is your favorite flower to work with?
Rose.

What is your favorite tree to work with?
I like a good solid tree with not too many branches at the bottom so I can sit against it. Doesn't matter what sort of tree it is as long as it meets these requirements. Haha

Wheel of the Year

What are your favorite holidays?
Yule and Ostara

What is your least favorite holiday?
Not really a fan of Samhain. I know, I'm a terrible pagan.

Have you ever held a ritual on a holiday?
Yes

Ever taken a day off work to celebrate a pagan holiday?
No.

Do you celebrate Yule on the 21 rather than the 25?
Yule is on the 21st. I celebrate it on the 21st. I also celebrate a family Christmas on the 25th, but it isn't Yule.

Have you ever felt the Veil thin?
Yes.

Ever danced the Maypole?
I seem to remember doing it once when I was little, but I didn't know what it meant.

Know what the Maypole symbolizes?
Yes. *Eyebrow waggle*

Ever made love on Beltane?
Yes.

How do you usually celebrate the pagan holidays?
Meditating or writing about the holiday, baking, whatever I feel like doing.

Divination

Do you use Tarot?
I use Brian Froud's Faerie's Oracle. While not tarot, they are oracle cards, so no but yes.

Do you use runes?
No.

Do you use a pendulum?
Yes.

Do you use dowsing rods?
No.

Do you use astrology?
Not really.

Any other form of divination?
Almost anything can be divination. I'm sure I do it all the time without even really noticing it.

Spells

What was the first spell you did?
Oh god, I think it was a glamour. Ahahahaha....

What was the latest?

Hmm, I can't really remember. I'm not really big on the Magick stuff. Probably a little something for emotional healing.

Ever done a love spell?
No.

A job spell?
No

A healing spell?
Only psychological or emotional healing. I realize that doing a spell to physically heal an injury or disease is pretty dumb and, while it can be helpful emotionally to work Magick in conjunction with proper medical treatment, it shouldn't be used on it's own. The way I see it, Magick doesn't actually change anything but your mind's own perception of a thing. Before I go off on the subject, I think I'll just make a note that this should be it's own blog post too.

What was the most powerful spell you've ever performed?
My spells for clarity are usually pretty effective.

Cryptozoology

Do you believe in Vampires?
Lol. no.

Werewolves?
...no.

Shape shifters?
What? No.

Elves? Faeries? Dragons? Nymphs? Sprites? Mermaids? Sirens? Satyrs?
No. ("But wait!" you say "didn't you say you used a Faerie Oracle?" Yes. I did and I do, but do I think faeries are real? No. The images on the cards represent universal archetypes, not actual beings.)

Angels?
Hmm...I guess it might be possible.

Ghosts/Spirits?
Probably.

Ever "seen" any of the above?
Nah.

Ever talked to any of the above?
No.

Ever called on any of the above in magic?
no.

Do you have one of them as a personal guardian?
No.

Random

Do you see a rabbit, a man or a woman in the moon?
I can see the man in the moon. My husband see's the rabbit, but I don't see it.

Own a cat?
Two.

When you meditate what does your sacred/safe place look like?
A bubble.

Do you work with Chakras?
I know hardly anything about them.

Do you believe in soul mates?
Not really. Maybe.

Ever met one?
It's possible.

Do you have a Spirit guide?
No.

Is it always love and light?
Huh? No.

Feel free to copy and share.

Holidays. I like them.

2010-01-03T17:36:00.001-07:00

Hey guys, sorry I didn't post at all during the holidays. I just didn't think to. Dalin, the cats, and I had a really good solstice/christmas this year. We even had a tree! Here's Dalin putting the finishing touches on it. we had a hell of a time putting the tree together because Max was hell bent on climbing the thing and knocking all the branches out. She'd slither up there with ninja-like accuracy and speed and attach herself to the trunk so we couldn't pull her out. After a few days of that we had to resort to the water bottle. =( She learned fast though.

Having a tree was really exciting because it was our first year together with a tree of our own. It cost like 20 bucks at rite-aid and is a wee bit sparse, but it dressed up nice. I just love the soft glow of white lights on a christmas tree.

(This is max playing under my mom-in-law's tree. Not much to say about this picture, but I adore it. I think her expression here really captures her troublemaker demeanor. Haha)

I got to relive a childhood memory this year as well. Hulu was hosting Nutcracker: The Motion Picture. I remember that we used to have this particular version of The Nutcracker on tape, and I'd sit on the floor and watch it. I distinctly remember having my mom rewind the Arabian Dance part (In this version, the Arabian dance is a beautiful peacock lady that gets carried out in a fancy cage.) over and over again because I loved it so much. It's still my favorite part. Also, I've seen a few different versions of The Nutcracker, mostly on youtube, but no other version has as good of a Drosselmeyer as this one. He's perfectly creepy and awesome and I just totally dig him. Here's the Link to the movie, I highly highly recommend it, even though it's not christmas anymore. The nutcracker isn't strictly a christmas story anyway. At least save it for next year.

New Years this year was pretty good as well. I did have a panic attack, unfortunately, but it didn't set in until well past midnight so I got to enjoy the celebration anyway. My resolutions are to try and keep the apartment cleaner, instead of letting it get super messy then spending a whole day cleaning it up again (Yeah, I haven't started on this resolution yet. The house has to GET clean before it can STAY clean, unfortunately...), to make more homecooked meals, both so that I can get better at cooking and also to save money on eating out. I also obviously resolve to stay smoke-free. It's already been a while since I quitted again and I'm pretty much past the hard part.

In crafty related news, I still haven't finished that second yellow sock. You remember, the one I said only take another day or so to finish? I've been faithfully carrying it around in my purse with the best intentions of working on it in spare moments. Honestly, I just forget about it. I have been crocheting a bit though. I made a couple cute headbands, wanna see?

The first one was made according to pattern directions from ravelry. The second one followed the basic headband directions from the first, but I used a different flower pattern that came from a crochet motif book I have.

Pretty cute, right? I like them.

Anyway, talk to you call later.

Oh, and also, I had been texting my friend Billy as I wrote this, and he said to mention that he is awesome and likes Charlie the Unicorn.

Cookies and Ornaments

2009-12-08T20:43:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I mentioned that I had made snickerdoodle dough and that it was chilling in the fridge. I've never made cookies that had dough you had to chill before. You know, really good cookies are a rarity for me, just ask Dalin, I've made some seriously weird cookies before. Not the least of which was our "UFO" Chocolate Chip cookies. Not sure what happened with them, but when I baked them they expanded and got *really* flat, except in the very middle. They really did look like UFOs. Dalin was a trooper and ate them anyway though.

The Snickerdoodles were a happy exception. They turned out lovely. Wanna see?

Pre baking. It was fun rolling the little dough balls in the cinnamon and sugar, and now I have a little teacup full of cinnamon and sugar left over. thinking about putting it on toast. Yum!

Ta-Da! Perfect cookies! Dalin and the girls I babysit all approve of them. Yay! I really like eating them with Earl Grey tea. I feel very proper, in fact, having afternoon tea with my cookies.

This is the recipe I used:

Snickerdoodles
1 cup margerine
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 eggs
2 1/2 cups flour
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla
Chill dough. Roll into balls. Roll balls in cinnamon sugar. Bake at 375* for 8-10 minutes.

Couldn't be yummier, couldn't be easier.

In other news, Dalin and I went on a little excursion to the little mall in our town this morning before the Girls came over. We spent a bunch of time in the bookshop loitering around the magazines. There were lots of magazines I wanted to buy, but I was able to narrow it down to just one.

Did you know there are like.....10 cross stitching magazines? I didn't either. I was particularly taken with this one because I was looking for little gift ideas, and I think a box of two or three little hand stitched ornaments were a fantastic idea. I plan on giving some to the mom of the kids I watch. I want to make a couple for myself as well because Dalin and I are going to have a tree this year! I'm pretty excited.

Of course, once I got home I had to start right away:

Last but not least, I made Chicken Alfredo pasta for dinner. If you know me at all, you know this is my FAVORITE dinner in the world. I cooked the chicken with sea salt and a pretty random smattering of good-smelling herbs. That, plus mini shell pasta, plus canned alfredo sauce = one happy girl.

A Nice, Calm Day Here in the Apartment

2009-12-07T20:48:00.001-07:00

Hey guys! Amazing news! It snowed last night. Wanna see?

That's the corner of my balcony, all sparkley and white. The funny thing is that I didn't even realize it was snowing until I read posts about it on facebook. D and I try to keep the blinds closed after sundown because I get kind of sad and gloomy when it gets dark, especially in the winter. We do make a point of having them wide open during the day. D graciously bought me an early Yule gift of a therapy lamp, but on sunny days I'd rather take advantage of natural sunlight.

The first real sign of proper winter came this afternoon though. If you don't already know, I babysit two little girls most weekdays, aged 2 and 4. Today they came over at two in the afternoon and they both had on matching scarves and hats. They looked very stylish! The Sign of Winter was this: When Tatum (aged 2) came into my house she instantly slipped and fell on her butt on the tile in front of the door because of the snow on her shoes, and within minutes there was snow tracked in all over my living room, despite telling them to leave their shoes at the door. How does that happen anyway? No level of careful shoe removal can prevent it. Slippery shoes and sudden, startlingly cold wet spots on the carpet, real signs of winter's arrival!

Yesterday D and I received a late wedding gift from my Aunt Butler (OMG thankyousomuch). Judging by the slightly battle-worn envelope there were complications in it's delivery. 100 dollars! Longish story short; I bought boots.

Kinda poor picture quality, apologies. Aren't they amazing!? I've been wanting knee-high boots for a couple winters now but never had the money to get them. These were from Payless ShoeSource and were about $50 dollars. There were kinda similar ones at Famous Footwear, but those were over a hundred bucks. Even WITH the gift money, I couldn't justify spending that much on shoes. I think these ones are even better anyway. They have a nice, thick heel that's about two inches, rounded toes that make my feet look adorably small, and a little room in the calves so I can wear them over skinny jeans, but not so loose that they look silly over tights.

Everything is better with new shoes. I admit that I wore them while vacuuming today.

All in all I have had a nice relaxing couple of days. The girls were well behaved and talked my ear off about being excited for Christmas (I am under strict orders from their parents not to mention anything that would lead them to doubt the existence of Santa Claus. As if I would anyway. Christmas died a little when Santa no longer lived. Let them believe!)

I got the kitchen fever today after D fixed the dishwasher. I've got acorn squash with butter and brown sugar in the oven right now and snickerdoodle dough chilling in the fridge. I've found, lately, that I love baking. It makes my house smell warm and cozy and Dalin is always so stoked to come home to cookies. I want to get my mom's flapjack recipe and also try and make some miniature tea cakes. =D

Other than that, there's not a whole lot going on. Got a bit more done on my yellow socks today:

I love taking knitting/tea pictures.

And, before I go, I just took this picture (literally, like ten seconds ago) Max likes to help me blog. Haha

Bye now!

Woah! It's been a while!

2009-12-06T11:41:00.001-07:00

Hey guys! It's been a long time since I have written in my blog. Sorry =(

Let's see, in my last entry I was whining about being stressed about the wedding. Well, the wedding went fine. I had a pretty intense panic attack the night before, but I got through it well enough. It was so great to see my family and friends again. My dress was absolutely beautiful! It's hanging in my room right now because I can't bear to hide it in a closet.

Since my last post, lots has happened. For one, Dalin and I got a wee little addition to our family. Her name is Maxine and she is a Tabbyco kitten (Tabbyco is the term for a half tabby/ half calico cat)

Isn't she precious? She's a little insane, but we love her. She loves to climb into the sleeves of my robe (While i'm wearing it..) and sleep there.

Also, Nanowrimo happened. I got really far in my story and word count but got totally thrown off by Thanksgiving, when Dalin and I went to Rexburg to be with his family. So no, I didn't win NaNoWriMo this year. Sad times, my friends. But I haven't given up on my story yet. Hopefully it should be done before NaNo next year. Haha

I've been knitting a lot too. Remember those intricate cabled socks I was making for Dalin?

They are finished! Those are my feet in the picture which is why the socks look kind of big. They fit Dalin perfectly. He can't have them until Christmas though. Bwahahaha. I'm so glad I'm so glad I'm done with those socks. They were the first ever non-plain socks I'd ever knit and, though it was a good learning experience and my confidence in knitting really fancy socks was boosted tremendously by them, it just took FOREVER to finish them.

So, after I finished those, I decided that I wanted to knit some plain vanilla socks for myself that would be finished in no time.

I finished one of them already. Which means it took me just under two days to knit a whole sock. For comparison's sake, one of Dalin's socks took about a month to knit. Oh instant gratification, I love you so. These are being knit in KnitPicks Palatte yarn in the color called Semolina. I love KnitPicks yarn, it's so cheap and lovely.

Anyway, It's now suddenly December so I'm thinking a lot about the holidays. I think D and I will be celebrating Yule this year on the 21st again because I seem to have an adverse reaction to Christmas. I've been sick on Christmas for the past 6 years or something. We saw part of the Parade of Lights in downtown Caldwell last night. we found out about it last minute and only stayed for about half of it because I had forgotten my scarf and mittens and it was just too damn cold. What we saw of the parade was nice though.

Also, I found on Hulu the Nutcracker movie that I used to have on tape when I was little. Dalin and I are going to watch it together on Thursday. He's never seen it. I have such happy memories of this movie so I am really excited.

Other than that....I'll try to update more often. Poor blog. I love you, I really do, it's just so easy to forget about you.

Wedding Woes

2009-10-12T17:50:00.001-07:00

This is a direct excerpt from my actual physical journal which no one is allowed to read ever. Aren't you lucky?

"I didn't do anything today and I feel bad about it. All I did was put put around in my slippers and half-assedly think about my novel.

It does me better than thinking about the wedding though. Having an important date in the near future really does something to my perception of the passage of time. It's like it's too far away, only inching agonizingly along, but at the same time, the date is careening towards the present with truly alarming speed.

Though I imagine ever woman feels this way the week of her wedding day...right?

Still, I can realize that most of my anxiety is not so much caused by my own wishes for perfection, but my wanting my family, friends, and soon-to-be-family to be impressed by the ceremony. Which is ridiculous, I know, but I just want them to think that my wedding was beautiful. The thought of anyone thinking that the decorations were ugly, or the weather was unbearable, or that the food was bad, or anything else breaks my heart. Especially since many of them had to come from a long ways away.

I really just need to let it go. It's my wedding, I'm supposed to be happy, right? Dalin says that I shouldn't stress out about it because it will just ruin it for me. I guess that's true. But I really don't think I ever learned how to just not stress about stressful things."

NaNoWriMo!

2009-10-09T15:11:00.001-07:00

Hey guys! Do you know what month it is? It's OCTOBER!! And you know what October is? It's the month before Nanowrimo!

I'm really excited for NaNo this year. I have my general idea and I'm working on outlining and such as we speak (or...as I type..)

I don't want to talk too much about my story idea because I don't want to lose interest by blabbing about it all the time, but here's a couple sneak peaks.

My banner for the nanowrimo forums.

Screencap of a bit of my outline so far. Yes, I know, it's not that much, but I promise that there is more in my head than I've had time to write down yet. My plot points are hidden from you in this shot! Bwahahaha! And No, I don't know who Liam and Paige are yet, but I like those names.

So, get ready for word count updates and such, coming soon.

Loves!

Photo Dump. Yay!

2009-09-11T23:21:00.001-07:00

I've been gone a long time? Why? Because it's the end of Summer and I'm feeling depressed. I'll post a general update some other time. For today...You get a photo dump. A photo dump is where I dump all the pictures i've taken recently onto the blog, with brief descriptions. It will give you an idea of what i've been up to without the hassle of actually writing about it. Yay.

Showing off my new lipstick. =]

Screenshot of my upstairs in Animal Crossing. Someone online wanted to see it. Pretty cute right?

Knitting by the Boise River.

Wee little snake I saw by the river.

Close up of aforementioned sock. And intense Harry Potter quote. (I'm participating in a HP themed contest on Ravelry.com)

Lace crocheted scarf. I have pics of the finished product, but they were taken at night and don't capture the colors as well as this one.

Socks from previous post, in finished form. They are ridiculously comfy.

That's all I've got folks.

Knitting and stuff.

2009-07-19T13:10:00.002-07:00

So I have been knitting a lot. First I just did some lame dishcloths out of cotton yarn I got for a dollar, just to get my groove back. Then I got a really pretty pattern for a super sexy sweater, aptly called Goddess. It is taking forever though! Right now it really doesn't look like anything, so the picture is just a close up of my pretty stitches with the picture from the pattern so you know what it's supposed to be.

Pretty right? I'm knitting it in Caron Simply Soft, which is my go-to cheap but nice yarn.

So, like I said, this sweater is taking forever, due partly to the fact that the bust is large and flowy and right now I have a grand total of 160 stitches on my needles. Insanity. It takes like 5 minutes to do one stinking row. There is another reason that it is taking me so long to slog through all that stickinette stitch, which is these socks:

I got this yarn from a wonderful lady from the Random Acts of Kindness group on Ravelry. It's so stripey! I love knitting with tiny little needles and skinny-binny yarn. I just dig it, and I'd much rather knit these wacky socks than my sexy sweater. Hm.

Other than knitting, not a whole lot is going on. I have been thinking about pushing the wedding date back, but my mom heartened me and now I think we will be able to still have it on October 17th. It's really stressful! And the more people tell me not to stress about it, the more I stress! It's going to be lovely though. I am willing it to be lovely.

Oh, and I dyed my hair again.

(My eyeball looks huge! Alien??)

Sleepless Nights

2009-07-04T05:56:00.001-07:00

The other day, Dalin and I watched an episode of Law and Order, in which a girl killed her school roommate after spending 6 days without sleeping. The sleep deprivation essentially made her go crazy and kill that other girl.

Factoid: Guinness no longer accepts entries of "longest time spent without sleeping" due to health risks.

I have never really had that huge of a problem with insomnia. Usually in the summer I will go a couple nights without sleeping, usually because it's so hot and I can't sleep if it's too hot. This genuine didn't-sleep-even-for-a-second kind of thing generally only happens once or twice a year with me though.

But the past week has been insane. It's like clockwork. Regardless of all my best efforts, I haven't been able to fall asleep or stay asleep for the past...I think it's 5 days now. I don't think i'll go crazy and kill anyone because I usually end up taking naps during the day (At which time I never have problems falling asleep...wtf?) but still. No matter how tired I feel before bed, as soon as my head hits the pillow, I get this creepy crawly sensation all over my body and I HAVE to get up.

Some nights I do manage to fall asleep though, i'll be honest. But only to wake up a whopping HALF HOUR later, and only then be met with the ants in my skin and the traffic in my brain.

I know and utilize all the 'tips and tricks' to help thwart insomnia. I get some light exercise a few hours before bed, I only use the bedroom for sleeping and sex, I put lavender on my pillow, I sip chamomile, I play soothing music, I take a nice bubble bath. Hell, I even used those shitty over the counter sleep aids (yielded nothing but heartburn.)

None. Of. It. Works.

And actually, I take back that comment about not thinking I'm going to go crazy. I am actually pretty sure I've already gone there.

On another note, there is a blog I read that does something called 'fiction friday' where, every friday, as the name suggests, she posts a prompt for a short work of fiction that people then post on their own blogs. I thought it seemed like a kind of fun thing to do, but I don't know if it would be boring for you guys. How do you feel about fiction in blogs? I know that there is another blog I read that has semi-frequent posts that are a connected series of short stories, and I personally hate reading them. I think they ruin an otherwise completely fine blog. But then, maybe that's just me (or maybe she really does just suck at writing fiction, who knows?) How do you feel about the prospect of reading MY fiction? Please let me know what you think in the comments.

Anatomy of a Panic Attack

2009-06-27T05:50:00.001-07:00

So, when it happens to come up in a conversation that I have panic attacks, I usually get one of two responses. The more common one being "Oh damn, that sounds horrible. What's it like?" and the other being "I/my family member/ my friend/ my coworker/ my child gets those as well. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that too, I know how scary it is. You look like you are doing well though! Good for you!"

I love getting the second response, it makes me feel a little less like a nut case. This post is for those who would give the first response. This is the anatomy of a panic attack, as recorded by me in an old journal from January of last year. I think I had read somewhere that a good way to get over a panic attack is to record it as best you can and analyze it in logical terms. So that's what I did, or tried to do. All misspellings and such have been left unedited.

12:06 Just woke up. Don't know what woke me up. Feel kinda weird.

12:15 My knees and elbows feel loose and weird. Hard to explain. Having muscle spasms in both thighs. On edge. Another long night ahead, i know.

12:31 Crazy on edge now. Have that feeling of when you are wallking down a dark hallway and know something is going to jump out at you from around the corner but you don't know when. Shaky hands makes it hard to write. I wont even be able to read this later probably. Can't really think straight. Eyes having trouble focusing.

12:36 Feeling like throwing up. That scares the shit out of me. I really want to go wake up mom. Feels like it's going to be the middle of the night forever. No one here to help me. Heart is beating way too fast and I think i'm going to start hyperventilating soon. I'm so scared. I think I really am sick. I should go wake up mom. I might have to go to the hospital. I don't want to wake her up though. If I were sleeping, i wouldn't want to be woken up. I'm not going to die tonight. Just keep saying that. I'm not going to die tonight. Sweaty hands makes it hard to write. Salem just came in. She can sense it i think. God, i'm scared. I don't want to die alone.

(12:36- 1:48 were spent in the bathroom, hyperventilating, crying, and trying to induce vomiting, which is something I always do when I panic because I think I am sick and want to get it over with.)

1:48 Can't throw up. Guess that means I'm not really sick. It feels like my stomach is full of acid. My chest hurts from trying to make myself puke. I'm just going to stay close to the bathroom and wait for it to come naturally for now. I think my whole body is shaking now, but i'm breathing normally again. I wish it was morning and everyone was awake and its like normal agein. I should go back to bed but I know I wont be able to. Still having muscle spasms in my thighs and in my sholders now to still feel like i might throw up any second but it hurts so much to try to force it. Cant sit still like after too much coffee or something. Pacing my room helps a little but i dont want to wake up people downstairs. Salem is still here. Shes on the pillow watching me.

That's where the entry ends. If I remember correctly, I did manage to fall asleep that night after a few hours of pacing and distracting myself with books and the Internet. Even after all the therapy and all the medicines, the panic attack is exactly the same. I could have written this same thing yesterday. The progress I have made has not effected the length or severity of my panic attacks, but it has greatly affected the quantity of attacks that I have. For a while there I had at least two attacks every day and usually another in the middle of the night. Now I have only 4 or 5 in a whole month. It's still not great, but it's getting better.

Words can't express the fear and loss of control that comes over you when you have a panic attack, but I hope this helps some people understand them a bit more.

Good Old Blogger

2009-06-21T12:46:00.002-07:00

Man, nutang was not what I wanted it to be at all. I'm so glad to be back at blogger, it's almost weird. I want to have a party or something. All I needed was a pretty new header and a quick change of the colors and I'm all set. This is awesome.

So the other morning I woke up to a call from my mom. My twitter account had been hacked! Someone posted a link to one of those nude webcam deals. My mom was like "So, are you trying to make some extra money?" Seriously mom? Hahaha.

I thought it was a bit suspicious that I had been getting followed by a bunch of spammy looking corporations recently. I figured it wasn't anything though, just normal internet spam. Little did I know.

So to anyone who got that tweet , no, you will not find me on any nude webcams online. Sorry boys.

I deleted that account on twitter and made a new one. Just look up AlekDrake and you will find it. I don't currently have a cell phone, so i'm not tweeting as much but my mom is sending me a used one in the mail and it should be here in a few days.

I just spilled tea on myself. Damn.

It's good to be home, guys. =]

Bye Bye Blogspot.

2009-05-18T13:53:00.003-07:00

Hello friends.

Those of you who are my friends on facebook or who follow me on twitter know this already, but I have changed blog hosting sites. Again.

Are you tired of that? Let me explain.

I started out with wordpress.com. It was pretty cool for a while, real professional looking, but honestly there just isn't a lot you can do with a wordpress blog and I got frustrated.

So then I came here and it's really nice and super easy to customize and, all-in-all, I think it's the best place for us bloggers. However, I got an invitation to blog at nutang.com. This site does this revenue-sharing thing that I don't fully understand, all I know is that the owners of the site get money from people who advertise there, and then they give the money to their bloggers. The ads aren't on the actual blogs either, so don't worry about having to look at a bunch of ugly ads on my new blog. So this means that the more people click over to my blog, the more money I get. So far I have a cent. Haha. I never said i'd be making a LOT of money, but hey...

So, without any further ado, the new URL is alek.nutang.com So update your bookmarks! And send my link to all your friends!

Not really, you don't have to. It would be rpetty cool though.

See you on the other side.

ETA: I will not be deleting my account here, so this blog will stay up for eternity for us all too look back on and giggle to ourselves. I just wont be posting here anymore.

This is the light of the mind/ Cold and planetary.

2009-05-10T12:23:00.001-07:00

Does having a Sylvia Plath quote as my title make me cool? I hope so.

I know I haven't posted in ages. In fact, I haven't written in ages. Period. Not here, not in my journal, not on random napkins, nowhere! I feel bad, so i'll do a minddump. This is one of my favorite things to do. You should try it.

Things on my mind

-I wish the text area on my blog was bigger, the skinny column of text makes my posts look too long. Experts say that if a blog post looks too long, less people will read it. Bullet marks remedy this. So there!

-Star Trek is an awesome movie. Seriously. The guy who played Captain Kirk looks just like Emmanuel Moire, and Spock has NEVER been so adorable. Love it. Love it to pieces. Best quote? "Are you out of your vulcan mind?!" Haha, it's funny because it sounds like he says something other than vulcan. Isn't it great when people explain jokes to you? There were actually lots of funny little tidbits, which did well balancing all the action and drama.

-I feel bad that I am so bad at playing the guitar. Dalin is teaching me but I am always embarrassed to practice when he is around and I am too clumsy to really practice on my own so...I'm not getting a lot of practice. My guitar is so cute and lovely and I really want to play well but it is so hard. My hands are small and I can't reach the chords sometimes and...ugh...it's just so frustrating. That I feel like I am disappointing Dalin just makes it worse. He even bought me a blues driver. I want to live up to him!

-I am starting to draw. I got myself a sketchbook and Dalin's stepmom gave me an art kit that she never used (ever! Not even once! Brand spanking new, friends.) It is a lot of fun and I have been practicing so much that I can already see improvement. It's very encouraging. If I ever manage to get a scanner I will be sure to post up my drawings. Just writing about it makes me happy. I am excited to show my dad, who draws as well, my pictures when Dalin and I go visit him at the end of this month.

-After the first week or so, quitting smoking isn't so much difficult as it is annoying. I think it has been twelve days now. I just don't know what to do with myself when I am fidgety but don't want to commit the time for sewing or knitting or drawing or whatever else. Still though, I am feeling tons better. I am doing crunches whenever the TV is on, during commercials (Great plan!) and I'm saving up for some running shoes, as I don't actually own a pair of shoes that isn't high-heeled. Ha...

-I am very conflicted in the fiction writing department. I have this really tempting idea for a new novel, but I haven't finished editing my last one. Actually, and this is hard to admit, I have barely even started editing my last one. I really wanna start writing again but I know that if I start the new idea, Displacement will lurk in the back of my mind and poke my eyeballs until I feel so guilty that I just stop writing altogether.

-Guitar, drawing, sewing, knitting, crocheting, writing, beating video games, keeping the apartment clean, quitting smoking, exercising....Do I have too many things going on?

-Last but definitely not least, I happen to know that a diamond ring had been ordered and is on it's way. It was supposed to be a secret, but Dalin didn't know my ring-size and had to ask. It's a 5 by the way. It was the smallest size that the ring could be made in. I told you my hands were small, I wasn't just making excuses about the guitar thing.

Hmm...that felt good.

YAAD: Day 28 (Seriously? It's been that long?)

2009-04-17T17:46:00.001-07:00

I am the worst blogger ever. So much for keeping you all updated on my training! Ugh.

The next chapter in The Spiral Dance is called 'The World View of Witchcraft' It dealt mostly with psychology, specifically right and left brain functions.

I always get a little tongue-tied when people ask if I am a left or right brain person. The left brain people are analytical and typically very organized. Right brain people are usually artistic and 'spacey.' I am both, which is, I guess, a good thing. I am an artsy type, but I crave structure and organization. For example, I love the idea of a writer holed up in an office littered with crumpled papers, haphazardly stacked books, and cups of cold coffee. I think it is totally romantic. But in all reality, I'd probably go nuts in a working environment like that. I love checklists and planners and calendars and room to pace the floor without navigating the clutter.

Starhawk says that, most likely, it is the right brain that receives messaged from Spirit, through images and sensations, then it is the left brain that analyzes said messages and interprets them. In that sense I am lucky, since both sides of my brain are on pretty much equal footing, the communication between them should be pretty solid.

It makes me think though, about people who are purely right-minded. Take for example those psychopaths who think that they are god and go on homicidal rampages. Perhaps the problem is that their left brain isn't strong enough to interpret the messages of the right side. For example, say he receives an inspiration saying "You have the power to make you own choices." But his left brain gets "You can do as you damn well please, to hell with anyone else." Have you ever heard of a psychopath who used a blackberry?

Hmm.

The next chapter was about covens. It made me sad. I want to have some super tight wiccan friends. It's a lonely path, especially for people who were raised going to church. The only wiccan community I am a part of is the online one (Specifically this site wonderful people, too much information to absorb in a lifetime.) which is wonderful really, but still...

In non-starhawk news, Dalin drew a daily oracle card today for the first time. I was so surprised and happy when he came into the living room with a card and a confused expression and asked "What's this mean?"

Free cross stitch charts

2009-04-13T14:54:00.001-07:00

Hello, my name is Alek and I am addicted to hoarding patterns. Knitting patterns, crochet patterns, embroidery patterns, but currently competing with my music for space on the laptop is cross stitch patterns.

The internet is my enabler.

and now I am yours.

Grab a cuppa and sit back. There are some real gems out there for zero dollars and zero cents.

http://www.cross-stitch-pattern.net/ This (admittedly crazy looking) lady takes photos and chart-ifies them for cross stitchers. I love the flowers.

http://www.twdesignworks.com/Free/index.html These are a little more advanced then your typical free online chart collection, but anyone can do any cross stitch. Seriously. Just one stitch at a time. I love her dragons!

http://amyscrossstitch.homestead.com/designsbyamy.html These ones are easier and suitable for beginners. I am currently working on the pansy. i am on a pansy kick recently.

http://www.birdcrossstitch.com/crossstitch/guide2.html#flowers This site is a freaking goldmine. I doubt you wont be able to find what you want here.

One last FYI for this post, cross stitch is definitely the least expensive hobby I have. Skeins of floss are usually less than a dollar each (And bags of them have a way of ending up at thrift stores) and hoops, fabric, and needles are pretty fairly priced as well.

Plus it takes a bit of time to finish a project so you will get a lot of stitching time for not much money.

However, really fantastic kits exist out there that can be a bit on the steep side, but trust me, if you finish one of these babies they will be in your family FOREVER.

exhibit a: http://www.heavenandearthdesigns.com/ These guys are famous for their super intricate charts. Prepare to be in freaking AWE.

exhibit b: http://www.mirabilia.com/crossIndex2.html these may possibly be the most beautiful, romantic kits available. The portraits of women/ fairies/ mermaids blow my mind. I'd kill to get my hands on crystal symphony (#94) *hint nudge*

YAAD: Day 18

2009-04-08T21:22:00.001-07:00

Lovely Lori twittered about my silence for the past three days. Sorry! I have been studying up still though, quite a bit in fact, I just haven't been blogging about it.

I have read the first chapter and the introductions to Starhawk's The Spiral Dance. I always love reading the introductions to these kinds of books. I always feel like I could be friends with the author. =]

The first chapter deals mostly with the history of goddess worship. There are people out there who believe that Wicca itself is an ancient religion whose covens went underground during the Crusades and survived to the present day. There are even starry eyed pre-teens who enjoy claiming unbroken lineage back to ancient Witches. I think it is obviously wishful thinking in that department.

However, though Wicca itself was coined in the fifties by one Gerald Gardner, the principles are ancient. We worship what we can see. We see that the sun gives us light and life, and so we call it a god. We see that the moon can give us knowledge about the seasons and the cosmos, so we call it a Goddess. What makes more sense than revering something that literally gives you life?

The thing that amazes me though, is that no matter how much we learn about our world through physics, chemistry, astronomy ect.; Wicca remains to be relevant. That is the wonderful thing about following a religion that has no Dogma, a religion that allows our understanding of the Gods to change as we do, though in no way lessening their power.

I have always loved science (even though I am no good at the math portion of it...) And I think that is one reason why I am so happy that I found a religion that encourages discovery, even if you find out that you were wrong about something. One of the big points about Wicca is the pursuit of truth, as opposed to letting your religion become outdated.

Yay science!

Goodnight. I think i'm dehydrated, i've been dizzy the past couple of days.

God Says Yes To Me

2009-04-05T07:12:00.001-07:00

God Says Yes to Me
by Kaylin Haught
from The Palm of Your Hand © 1995

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
And she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
And she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
Or not wear nail polish
And she said honey
She calls me that sometimes
She said you can do just exactly
What you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don't paragraph
My letters
Sweetcakes God said
Who knows where she picked that up
What I'm telling you is
Yes yes yes

YAAD: Day 11

2009-04-01T16:40:00.001-07:00

I am starting on a new...I guess 'segment' might be the word I am looking for.

I FINALLY own a copy of Starhawk's The Spiral Dance. I am going to be working through it a week at a time, reading one chapter a week (there are 13 chapters) then at the end of the week doing a post here about it.

I am super excited to have it!

In lieu of sanity....

2009-03-29T17:36:00.001-07:00

I am still recovering from the panic attack episode yesterday. I am feeling a bit better but I am still rather jumpy and on-edge. Expect a new YAAD post for tomorrow.

So I have been keeping myself busy with things that are at once mind numbingly simple but distracting enough to keep me from having another attack. This is what I have done so far.

This is a nice blurry picture of the progress I have made on my cross stitch project that is destined for my mom. I have got a lot done since I took it to KC!

Those are Usagi (bunny) and Alfred (Penguin) they were crocheted by me and Dalin, respectively. They are patterns from the book Amigurumi World. I should have put something in the picture for a size reference. Usagi fits comfortably in my two hands and Alfred is a bit larger.

*note: Amigurumi is japanese and roughly translates to 'stuffed knitted toy.' They are usually crocheted though. Also, Usagi is the japanese word for rabbit.

Was I on a japan kick or something? This is my first attempt at Onigiri, or stuffed rice balls. They are super yummy, very easy to make, and VERY filling. A recipe might show up here in the next couple of days. I promise, it's easy, as long as you have the right ingredients.

One last picture!

This is Makayden, for those who wanted to know. Isn't she cute?

Later gators.

Like a punch to the gut.

2009-03-28T17:57:00.001-07:00

I've been having panic attacks today, one right after another. I am not going to write up a YAAD post today, I need to focus on recovering and jumping right back up, since on Monday I am watching Makayden and I wouldn't want her to see me have a panic attack, I imagine it would be scary for her.

Shit son!

2009-03-27T22:46:00.001-07:00

I will own this, and I will watch it every day.

Year and a Day, Day 6

2009-03-27T19:06:00.001-07:00

If you haven't already guessed, this week's theme is "basics." I figured I should make that really clear. Just for fun.

What Wicca Looks Like

Today's post is inspired by my early days in Wicca-as-fashion-statement. Back in middle school when I was busy being spectacularly goth and weird, I discovered Wicca and thought of it mostly like an accessory, just like my newest 12 dollar plastic bracelet from Hot Topic. (Yes, I was one of 'those.')

Sometime between middle school and High School I discarded my sad attempt at edginess, but I kept the Wicca. Back in the day, I was so concerned with my clothes and how I acted in public, but when I finally had the courage to shed that exterior I had to cling to something else. I clung to Wicca because it had managed to work it's way under my skin without my even paying much attention to it, and I had to respect it's tenacity.

Since then my personality has been very much shaped by my religion. Some examples follow (In list form, because I have been writing these few paragraphs for about half an hour, trying to get it to sound right and now I am tired and am therefore resorting to lists.)

1. I am eco-conscious. It happens when you worship dirt.

2. I move slower. generally, when someone finally finds their place in a religion, they can begin to appreciate things that were overlooked before. When it finally clicked for me that all things, from oceans to doorknobs, were imbued with divinity, it became necessary to slow down a bit and be grateful for it all. As such I suffer from less stress than most of my cohorts and am a generally more contented person.

3. I stand up for myself. I came from a religion that views women almost as sub-humans. No matter how progressive any particular sect of Christianity may be, the fact remains that they believe that God made man, then decided to make a woman to be under the man and serve him. Bitch please. "Feminine weakness" is propaganda spread for centuries to keep women subservient. It isn't *actually* real. I was floored when I found out that there were people out there who worshiped a Goddess. I was like "Whaaaaa...?!"

It made sense very soon. Of course women are strong, ass kicking, respect deserving, people. Sorry boys, but can you openly bleed for days without, you know, dying? Sorry boys but, could YOU deliver a child? Ect ect ad nauseam. The fact is that women kick ass just as hard as men.

4. I can no longer make enemies. I just can't. I can get into debates, but I can't bring myself to fight. Wicca hada peculiar way of making me see that all of us are made of the same space dirt and we are all the same. A good friend once told me "Everyone in this world has the same goal. Every person who ever hurt you, every person who ever helped you, was just trying to gain happiness." I'll always remember that, and now I can never really be mad at people. I can be confused and hurt, but I know that if I was in their situation, I might have done the same thing.

In conclusion, (my english teacher always told us never to actually write "in conclusion...") those things can basically sum up what Wicca looks like.

Year and a Day: Day Five

2009-03-26T20:01:00.001-07:00

I thought this would be a good time to remind my readers that all opinions expressed in this blog are mine alone and may or not apply to the Wiccan community or tradition in the general sense.

What is Magic?

Magic is often misunderstood. Let me begin by saying some things that, really, should not need saying, but unfortunately they do. No, witches cannot fly. No, witches cannot control the weather. And No, if you read it in harry potter or saw it in a movie, we probably can't do that.

Magic is not a way to get things easily. It is simply a way of tipping the scales in your favor. When one works magic, they are pouring great amounts of energy (I'll talk about energy raising in this context in more depth in a later post) into a goal that they hope to achieve.

For example. Say you are working a spell in the hopes of gaining more financial security. You cannot simply mix some herbs together, say some words, and expect a pile of money to materialize in your mailbox the next day. When you work a spell you visualize what you want, in this example you may focus your concentration on a mental image of a version of yourself who does not stress about money and is happy with what s/he has. When you mix herbs or light candles or whatever it is that the spell calls for, you are focusing solely on that goal.

By casting a spell, it sets off a trigger in your mind. It can be likened to writing down a goal. Once you have performed the spell your goal is concrete. You have essentially announced to the Gods that "This is what I need." It is still up to you to make things happen. The energy that you set into the spell now will not go away. Until you accomplish the goal of the spell, that energy will be at the forefront of your consciousness and inspire you to keep working at it.

This is a very simplified definition. There are many different parts and sections to spell casting that deserve their own post. Expect them in the future.

(I am beginning to think that I should tackle these hard-to-answer questions in smaller chunks. I feel like my posts so far have been rambling and poor examples of my writing capabilities. I apologize. I think things will get better)

Year and a day: Day Four

2009-03-25T14:09:00.002-07:00

This one is just going to be a quickie little quo.

What is prayer if the gods aren't literal?

When I started out in Wicca I cast of prayer, because I only knew how to pray to the Christian construct god. I spent a lot of time memorizing chants, thinking they would be the Wiccan equivalent. In short order I came to understand that prayer and chanting are definitely not interchangeable. The difference is that when you are chanting, you are focusing mainly on the words you are saying, how they sound, the soothing percussion of syllables ect. With chants, it is the words themselves that work magic.

Prayer is a bit different. Unlike chants, they are usually spontaneous and not practiced, therefore they are usually a little awkward and not nearly as methodical as chants. When you are praying the words matter much less, it is about the feeling behind the words. For me, praying is a lot like writing in a journal. It is a matter of getting things off my chest. When I can say things out loud and let go of them, I can be free of some of the weight those words carry.

When I pray for courage, I pray to God, because He is the one who can show me the courage I already have (I don't believe that the Gods can actually 'give' anything to you. They merely illuminate that you already have what you need, it just might be hard to see. Kind of like Oz.) When I pray for something like peace or inspiration, I pray to Goddess because she is the one who is in charge of those emotions and can show it to me.

Wiccan prayer is a lot different from what you probably know as prayer. We don't ask for the Gods to do things for us. We know that the Gods would be offended if their children were so weak that they had to come running to them for every little mundane thing. The Gods made us strong and they like to see us figure it out ourselves.

Case in point, a Wiccan doesn't pray to God saying things like "Could you make sure I pick the winning lotto numbers?" or "Hey, "I'm having issues at work. I don't feel like I can deal with it myself so...do you mind?"

Our prayers sound a lot more like "I need to realize my courage and realize that money is not the most important thing" and "I am having issues at work, it sucks. Let me harness my own peace and reflect it outwards to help my co workers who are just as stressed as me."

I think that sums it up. Makayden needs help getting her shoes on for when her mom comes to get her.

I think tomorrow I will talk about magick and spells.

Year and a Day: Day Three

2009-03-24T21:25:00.001-07:00

Ok dudes, Alek is tired today. I should have written this earlier when Makayden was napping, but I conked out only minutes after her so...

So, who are The God and Goddess?

In my last post I touched on the fact that Wicca is simple. For me, it's all about logic. I am just not the kind of person who can fool myself. If it doesn't make sense, I can't believe it. It is as simple as that. And that's why I simply cannot accept the idea of a single male god who created life.

Even in a lab, it takes both male and female to create life. It's as easy as that.

Do I think that there is a Man and a Woman literally floating around out there? No. Not literally. The God and Goddess are not apart from the universe. They are not watching us from a cloud way off in the distance. They didn't just create life, they ARE life. We aren't just Sons and Daughters of the God and Goddess, we ARE the God and Goddess.

Us Wiccans, we are tree hugging dirt worshipers for a reason. We know that there is no "outside." We know that everything is sacred, not just temples or the words of a select few. There is just no reason to believe otherwise. It it not enough to look around and see that life is beautiful? Why are so many people so jaded that they have to believe that they are just not trying hard enough and that if they pray more, sacrifice more, and prostrate themselves more that they can become privvy to true divinity? What kind of society favors streets paved with gold that they will never see to stretches of rain-scented wilderness that they need only open their eyes to see?

Life is perfect because of it's balance between male and female, creation and destruction, yin and yang. it's only when you label one as evil, and the other as holy, that nature is disrupted. Once you can look at the flame of a candle and be in awe of it's gentleness and light, and also accept that that same flame that gives you light would just as soon kill you, you can finally let go of your dependence on the 'other,' whether the 'other' is a god that can magically descend upon the fire and make it stop burning (I tell you now with absolute certainty that we are no less than gods. The god's live and abide within the laws of nature, and so do we, because they ARE nature, as are we.) or a heaven where everyone sits around in their self-righteousness and nothing happens.

I think I am digressing. I'll try to wrap this up.

Male energy is the kind that lights a fire under our ass and get's us moving. It is the energy that craves motion and action. Female energy is the kind that sits us down and lets us dream. It is the energy that craves understanding and peace. Male without female is cancer. Female without male is stagnation. The God and Goddess are representations of these two energies. Metaphors, if you will. And they are no less holy for that.

Year and a Day: Day Two

2009-03-23T19:56:00.001-07:00

I was thinking that I would wait until Dalin went to sleep to write today, it is so nice and quiet late at night, but damn it all if that boy wont stay up 'til one playing Halo.

I think Wicca is a lot of things to a lot of people. I suppose that is the problem with a religion that isn't focused on dogma. everyone seems to come into it the same way: a library book about spells tucked between your mattresses, a cinnamon candle swiped from the christmas decorations and such. We all learned about the supposed ancient history of The Craft, we all copied rituals from the internet and tried to make our friends call us Starchild, but once one settles into Wicca as a religion, it shifts, and it shifts differently for everyone. That said, don't go quoting me on this, I am not a High Priestess of Mystical Muckymuck or anything like that. I'm just a Wiccan.

Anyway. Welcome to square one.

If there isn't a heaven...why not be selfish, mean, and greedy?

To my knowledge, Wicca is simple. If you consolidate all of the books and all of the chants and everything else you are left with one simple statement. Be Nice. I don't believe in Heaven or Nirvana or even Reincarnation (I huddle behind the couch as I say that last bit about Reincarnation. Wicca 101 will tell you I should believe in that. But....not so much) The truth is that no matter how hard we try, we will never, never, know what happens once we die. Personally, I think our Spirit breaks down and dissolves into the earth in the same way our bodies do when we die. But that's just me. So, even though I don't believe that I will be rewarded a bunch of virgins in the afterlife if I am good, or be a demon's bitch if I am bad, I do know that there is a set amount of energy in this world (I learned that in physics.) Scientifically, energy cannot be created or destroyed. The energy you use to push a chair is the same energy that made a little speck explode to form the universe. Energy can only be transformed.

Spiritually, it is the same deal. Every time you make the effort to turn bad energy into good energy, whether that means making a nice dinner for your loved ones when they had a tough day or smiling at someone who might not deserve it, it makes a difference.

I think it might help to think about life energy as a web, tiny little strands that connect you to everything that ever breathed, photosynthesized, or fucked. If you can tug even one little strand in the direction of harmony, it shifts the whole thing, even if only a little. Isn't that worth it to you? It's probably worth it to the people you touch.

Tomorrow I talk about Gods.

Starchild out.

Year and a Day: Day one.

2009-03-22T10:55:00.001-07:00

As you may or may not know, In wicca, a new initiate must undergo a year and a day of training before being initiated into a coven. I, personally, have never been initiated into a coven. I have a bit of a social phobia anyway and at the time that I was first devoting myself to Wicca I was underage, and most covens do not allow minors to join their covens (most likely because usually pre-teens who get into Wicca are either just screwing around and trying to make it rain on their command, or are rebelling from their Christian parents. If I were an elder in a coven, I too wouldn't want to get caught up in a tiff between a teen and their parents.)

I did, however, undergo a year and a day of informal self-training before my self dedication rite on Ostara several years ago. It was a crazy experience. I didn't have any experience with self motivating to prepare myself for a years worth of study and I was armed only with sketchy internet sites and what books I could afford with my allowance to search for information. I am sad to admit that it was a disappointing failure. I would go for weeks at a time completely forgetting that I was supposed to be training. At the start of the year and a day I had come up with an entire calender, each day with a topic of study that I was to research and meditate on. I think that was one of the big problems. I had come up with those topics so early on and felt obligated to follow them exactly as they were laid out, but say, for example, that one day i was supposed to memorize the correspondences of common herbs, but I had recently gotten in an argument with someone at school and, really, a more relevant topic for that day might have been Conflict Resolution in the Wiccan faith. It felt like homework to me, and as such, I rarely got around to it.

It wasn't a complete failure though, because I did memorize the correspondences of common herbs and other such lists, which is good to know because now I don't have to break out the big book of badass mojo to see what tea I should be drinking or what it means when mercury is in retrograde.

Since the teeny bopper phase in my faith I have grown a lot. I used to do spells for everything. Got in a fight with a boyfriend? Break out the stones and oils! Feeling ugly? Break out the herbs and candles! Nervous about a test? Forget studying, tarot cards will tell me what to do! Today, I rely much more heavily on prayer (confused about how prayer fits in with Wicca? That topic should be discussed sometime this year. Wait for it.) and mindfulness. I actually haven't done a 'spell' in years. In the beginning, I was just thrilled to be doing something 'edgy' and wanted everyone to know how 'alternative' I was. Now I don't really care. What started as a cool hobby has grown into a full fledged faith and I treat it as a religion now, not a fashion statement.

Anyway, I digress. I was recently inspired by this blog. Laurie is not new to Wicca and has already been dedicated to it, but now she is undergoing a new year and a day training to deepen what she already has and, if she is anything like me, maybe get it better this time than the first time around.

So that is what I am doing. I will ~~try to~~ write a new post every day that is relevant to my topic of the day. I hope you guys find this interesting, because it will probably monopolize the blog for a while. Don't worry too much though if you find this all terribly boring, because I am getting a new sewing machine and will also be posting pictures and tutorials on the patterns that I am going to devise. If sewing is boring to you too then...you are shit outta luck, son.

So, that is my post for day one. The topic for today, if you haven't figured it out yet, is "Why the heck am I doing this again?"

Short Update. Trying to tire myself out for bed.

2009-03-15T21:51:00.002-07:00

I should really be getting to bed, I have to be up early tomorrow for my new nanny job. It's the perfect job really, since I get to play like the little kid that I secretly am, and I don't have to face the scary outside world.

I can't seem to settle down tonight though. I have been reading a bunch of manga (otaku-hood, here I come!) I am reading both fruits Basket, since dalin was so kind as to buy me the first couple volumes, and Absolute Boyfriend online. So much fun! I should post some pictures of my drawings that I am also working on.

Besides that, not a whole lot is going on. Dalin also bought me some pretty silk thread and I am going to try my hand at needlepainting. I am probably going to draw up a pattern of a Daffodil and a Tulip. They are such happy spring-y flowers. I am thinking though that I should probably get some silk thread in purple, because I want to do an Iris in there too. Even numbers of motifs are less appealing to the eye than odd numbers, so I should really do three flowers.

Maybe I am over thinking it though.

Later, dudes. Alek out.

p.s. The new facebook layout is taking some getting used to. I don't know if I like it yet. It's more twitter-like now.

Needles and thread and wool, oh my!

2009-03-12T06:44:00.001-07:00

Yeah, yeah, it's been a long time. I know. Lay off. I was raised scribbling in notebooks, it's what i'm used to. It's what I do.

I actually have a bunch of pictures to share today! I have been crafting up a storm, let me tell ya! I am taking a break from my cross stitch kit (Which is going to my mommy) and sticking with happy spring-y colors to cheer me up. It's supposed to snow today! Ugh. I made a lot of progress on the xstitch on my mini vaca in KC anyway. And I tend to enjoy the mindless copying of patterns block by block, so it's not like i'm leaving it forever.

But first, I want to talk about my trip to Kansas City. It was so awesome seeing my mom and lil bro and meeting Tracey (I approve of her. She is not too serious and reminds me of Joany.) It had been so long since I had last been in a real city. It was a bit of culture shock. I hadn't even seen a black person in months. Haha. It was a little nerve racking being there, I tend to get talked to when I am out and about, especially in larger cities. I have a bit of social anxiety and would prefer to be alone with my thoughts, but once I got past the "this is nuts!" phase, I didn't mind the guys trying to flirt with me on the bus. Kind of a confidence boost, in fact.

KC is a pretty awesome place. the library downtown is amazing! It is ginormous and there are lots of little secret nooks you can hide in and not be disturbed while you flip through books. And did I mention the coffee bar? That's right, a library with coffee. I want to live there. KC also has it's fair share of cute little indie shops. I dig it.

I had a great time, and that's not even counting the plane rides. Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE flying. I'd fly every day if I could. On my first flight they told us to pull down the shades over our windows so that there wouldn't be glare on the television screens though. I don't understand that at all. Don't those people realize that they are FLYING? How can b-list romantic comedies be more entertaining than looking out the window when you are thousands of feet IN THE SKY? Honestly. (I kept my window cracked open to see. Screw you guys.) I even saw a corn maze from my vantage point in the sky. That was pretty cool.

Now on to my amazing craftiness!

First up is my apron. When I am cleaning the house or cooking I like to channel my inner June Cleaver to get in the mood. Trouble is, I didn't have a kitschy apron to wear, and everything is more fun in a costume. So I took one of the many tea towels that I inherited from my mom and cut it up (Sorry mom, I hope that's okay. I will be better loved now anyway instead of sitting in the drawer waiting for me to have a tea party)

It looks pretty cute, if you ask me. It is all sewn by hand and I am not terribly confidant in my hand sewing skills, especially with the gathering that I did, which I have never done before, so if I ever manage to steal my mom's sewing machine I will run it through that a couple times for good measure. Now, the tea towel was much larger than I thought it was, as it is usually folded up in the before mentioned drawer. Tea towels are huge! It was the perfect size for my apron. For those who would like me to publish a pattern, here it is. Cut the tea towel in half, that is your apron body. Cut a wide strip of fabric from the end, that is your waistband. Gather the apron body along one end and attach to hemmed waist band. Admire.

The second project I am working on, I can't post a picture of. That's because it is going to be a secret gift for Dalin. I will tell you that it is a simple chain stitch motif on a small scrap of linen for him to keep in his wallet to remind him of me. It is a deceptively simple little pattern, as I drew it myself.

Thirdly, I crocheted a little beret-type hat yesterday. The pattern is loosely based on one that I found on www.ThreadBanger.com (awesome website, tons of crafts that are not grandmaish at all. It also doesn't hurt that Rob, the co-host, is a total babe.) I started and finished it in one sitting, which is saying a lot because I am not at skilled at crochet as I would like to be. It is all worked in single crochet though and it suitable for any beginner. The yarn is Manos Del Uruguay 100% chunky wool which I got from Ewephoria for 5 bucks a skein because it was being discontinued. I ADORE that bright blue. It makes me happy.

I'll post a picture later today. I don't want my morning face on the internet. Haha.

Pulling myself together. Or something.

2009-02-20T12:33:00.000-07:00

So the quitting smoking thing didn't work out so well. Though now I can see that my biggest trigger is boredom.

*sigh*

I am definitely going to be smoke free before my birthday. That will mean I have spent a year of my life smoking. It's not that bad, I guess. I think that, for me, it is less an addiction and more an oral fixation. I think it will get easier to quit when it starts warming up a little, because one thing that always works to combat cravings is going for a jog, but it's too damn cold out right now. Though, the people in the apartment below us moved out the other day, so I can do jumping jacks and such now without getting reprimanded or making noise.

I have a couple smokes left in the pack that I have. I am going to give it another go when they are gone.

I just have to stay positive!

In other news, the pain in my jaw has all but gone away. I got a night guard at Rite-Aid for a couple bucks. It was awkward to sleep in (It makes me drool. Gross) But it sure helped a lot. My jaw still pops and sometimes gets 'stuck' but I can live with it, as long as it doesn't hurt. Since this whole ordeal I have begun to notice that I do clench my jaw quite often. I don't really grind, but I do clench. Now that I notice it I can stop it when I do, but dang. I never realized how much stress I carry in my jaw. I am so freaking tired or oral issues though. At age 18 I am pretty sure I have seen my fair share of dentist/orthodontist chairs.

My writing is so scatter brained. I'm sorry for the lame posts. Really.

Oh! I found The Body Sacred, the second book written by the marvelous Dianne Sylvan, at the library! I have been looking for that book everywhere! I have almost finished reading it already. It's so great. I also got a horror novel by James Reese. It is pretty creepy. I like it so far but I can see myself losing interest if I don't read it quickly. When I went to the library I was pretty sure that I had a fine, I had turned in my last books a couple of days late, but I didn't owe any money! It was probably a mistake on the part of the library, but I'm not complaining.

I just realized that I left my coffee in the microwave. I'm sure it's cold again. Scatter brained, I'm telling you!

Mysterious jaw pain.

2009-02-03T23:22:00.001-07:00

So yesterday I began to notice a mild throbbing pain in my jaw, right where it connects to my ear. I figured I just slept on it funny or Dalin accidentally hit me in the night (Still a likely explanation.)

It hasn't gotten better with time, in fact it has gotten worse. As you probably know, I am something of a hypochondriac and any mysterious ailment sends me into fits of stress caused by nightmares of sterile plastic furniture and men in white wielding sharp things. So these are the things that I think may be causing the discomfort. If I need a reality check, please let me know, but as far as I can see these circumstances seem likely.

1. TMJ. I think I remember my mom talking about this, which may mean I could have it too. According to google, TMJ is a condition that is characterized by painful popping of the jaw when talking/eating ect. My jaw has always popped every so often but it never really hurt until recently.

2. Wisdom Teeth. When I got my braces off they did an x-ray and said they could see my wisdom teeth getting ready to come up. I seriously don't want to go to the oral surgeon. *Shudder* and I pray to anything that will listen that I will be a special case and that I will not have to get them pulled. But anyway, I read that wisdom teeth can cause this same kind of pain, but I don't think it would account for the popping.

3. Actually I can only think of those two possibilities.

It's weird though because the pain seems to deviate sometimes, sometimes it hurts more in my neck and sometimes it feels like a headache in the back of my head. That makes me think maybe I got bumped in the night but...I don't know. I think I would remember if I had been bumped hard enough to cause this much pain.

Please, if you know what's going on, let me know.

Project Filter

2009-02-03T00:07:00.001-07:00

I am quitting smoking.

Today is day three. I should have started with a post on day one but I didn't think about it. It is probably a good idea to post updates about it on here for accountability.

So far it really hasn't been that bad. I mean, I know the craving will get worse before they get better but I am doing pretty well I think. I am just trying to stay nice and distracted, also I am trying not to watch too many movies because seeing people in movies smoking makes me want one, I guess. lol.

I feel like making some lists. Lists are cool. First I'll make a list of triggers then a list of things that help with cravings.

Triggers

Riding in the car
being around/seeing other smokers
boredom
feeling ugly
impatience
over eating

Coping Mechanisms

Do crunches
Eat skittles
knit
play guitar
write
take a shower
sleep it off
play a game
call/talk to Dalin
have a nibbly snack

Hmm, that's all I can think of right now. I am sure I will come up with more triggers, it seems like living is itself a trigger. Haha.

So yeah, keep me honest.

Another boring update post. Apologies.

2009-02-01T20:50:00.001-07:00

I am currently in the throes of a panic attack. Funny how these things happen so randomly. Right now I am just typing as fast as i can to distract myself from the tumult within. Mom says writing is good for me, and I know it's true, and it's all I can think of to do right now.

So lets talk about what has happened since my last post. I doubt that the following stories will be in chronological order, I am not trying that hard. Sorry.

It turns out that the mistake about the rent was the fault of the mysterious folk at corporate who apparently did not hire a good typist. All that pain and stress caused by a fucking typo. Seriously. Ugh. It's all sorted now though.

I finished those socks I talked about too, they were too small for Dalin so I wear them. I am now hoarding sock yarn like some kind of crazy meth addict. Those who follow me on facebook know that I designed my own lace sock pattern called Oh! Happy Day!, knit in knitpicks 100% wool sock yarn in the colorway Semolina. On the internet it seemed to be a much brighter yellow than it is in real life, but that's the risk you take I guess. Besides the slight dullness I really do approve of knitpicks yarn. Minus shipping, a skein of knitpicks wool is cheaper than red heart acrylic. Wool wins.

Dalin got me a (very) late christmas gift, a nintendo DS! It is so much fun. I have three games already, first I got Spore Creatures which was really fun and had cute graphics and it was the first action/adventure video game I have ever won, then I got Harvest Moon, which is a really cute game too. In it you play a farmer on a deserted island with only a few other people and as the years pass the island prospers. I am not very far in that game though because Dalin loves it as much as I do and he has been hogging it recently. Most recently I bought Hello Kitty Big City Dreams. Sounds silly, I know, but I love HK. Tons of mini games with the simple overarching goal of trying to get enough points to upgrade to the swanky penthouse. It keeps me occupied and I cant get enough of the cuteness of the graphics.

You all should remind me to post more often, then my posts wouldn't be so long and boring. Haha. Sorry. It just feels good to record the boring stuff.

Oh! I hope you like the new layout. I wanted a more carefree kind of feel. I am digging it. I particularly like the UFO in the header. lol

Writing has helped me. I am feeling a bit more relaxed now.

I love you!

Let me tell you a story or two.

2009-01-17T17:55:00.001-07:00

Story Numero Uno: Yesterday, upon coming home, Dalin found a note taped to our front door from our new, idiotic, landlady. Why is she idiotic? Well, for several reasons actually (I try not to judge too quickly, I guess.) First of all, this this is rather unrelated to the original story, she was supposed to come and re-key all the apartments but no one ever came, we waited for three days keeping the house spotless and smelling yummy for when she came, but nope. Nothing. Nadda.

The second reason she is idiotic and annoying, which is directly related to the original story, is that we found a note yesterday saying that we haven't paid our rent (Which we did. I personally took the check to the office, in fact) and we will be basically kicked out on the street in three days. This is moronic. First of all, she said we owe 224 dollars. Our rent is 500 dollars, why on gods green earth would we pay only half our rent? Who does that? Secondly, she taped it to our door on Friday, then said we had until Monday to either pay up or move into the YMCA. That's great. The office is closed for the weekend. So she tells us we have to come up with two hundred dollars in three days, and then runs and hides?

Luckily, Dalin and I still have the proof that we did pay, so she is obviously so stupid that she entered it into the computer wrong. So no, we don't need a place to stay, we are fine. We are going to talk to her when she gets back. And, actually, this is the hilarious part. Dalin called his mom in a semi-panic, and she immediately looked up this lady both in the county files (She works at the courthouse) and in the phone book, and called her up and gave her some sharp words. It was pretty awesome. Jan is kind of a badass when she is mad. For a mormon anyway.

The second story is probably a lot less interesting to all of you, but it's exciting to me. I recently picked up crochet a little and last night I finished my first real crocheted item, a simple drop stick scarf that is two skeins long (Read: Really long) It was lots of fun to crochet and went pretty fast. I am still not totally sold on crochet, but it was nice to work on something else.

After I finished the crochet scarf I was emboldened and decided to take that momentum and cast on for socks right away. Those who happen to follow my knitting know that I have a sock curse. I can't seem to wrap my mind around the heel turning thing. HOWEVER now I am knitting a plain sock custom fitted for Dalin in a yarn that i am totally enamored with. It's called Wick from Knit one crochet Too, it's a blend of soy and polypropylene. Knitting with it is truly a luxurious experience, It is so soft and strong and...ahh...I just love it.

So far I am about halfway done with the first sock, I just turned the heel and am still decreasing the gusset stitches. So far no mistakes!! It is looking a little small though, even though I did my calculations very carefully. If it doesn't fit Dalin I will just keep them for myself and try again for him.

Anyway, I love you all.

In which Alek blabs about nothing.

2009-01-09T16:01:00.001-07:00

-yawn-

Is it spring yet? Seriously. Winter is getting to everyone here. By everyone, I mean, of course, Dalin and me. He is getting bumped around at his job, from front end to food court to deli...and He really isn't too keen on the whole food preparation thing. He has been in a foul mood the past couple of days because of it, saying he is going no where in life and yadda yadda ect. It's hard to listen to, but what am I supposed to say? I'm sure it will get better though. right? Right?!

In other news, I started a new embroidery project (No, I haven't finished my sweater and have not sent mom's present out yet. It's called ADD.) It is kind of just a sampler, i guess. I am making it up as I go, trying out different stitches and designs. I think it will ultimately turn out as a crazy paisley motif or something. We'll see.

Hell yes, I got carried away editing with Picnik.com. So far it is mostly chain stitch, as my chain stitch kinda sucks and I need the practice.

Other than that, I really want to change my theme here. The orange is making me nauseous.

It's been a while

2009-01-02T23:03:00.001-07:00

I haven't written at this blog for a long time. I am sorry about that.

I had another panic attack. It was awful. It lasted, full strength, for 24+ hours and I am still a little bit shaky. I am talking to my mom more now on the phone. We have a webcam date for tomorrow. It is so nice to actually see her.

I am really focusing right now on keeping my mind busy. Can't panic if I'm not thinking about it, right? In that strain of thought, I present to you a finished sudoku puzzle. The first one I have ever successfully completed.

How obvious is it that I took that picture with my phone? LOL I can't wait until I can upgrade my phone to a blackberry. Such crisp photos! Such amazing capabilities!

Anyway, Love you all. I will try to post more often.

NaNoWriMo Update Numero Quatro

2008-11-21T12:30:00.002-07:00

Why hello Mr. Home Stretch. It's nice to meet you. My name is Alek.

That's right kiddies, I hit 40k last night. That means I have the rest of the month to write a measly 10k to win Nanowrimo. That's only about two (good) days of writing.

But now for some adventures in fiction writing. I needed Cecilia to become sick with a fever because she needed to have a kafka-esque dream. I felt okay when I was writing it, even though the dream sequence was truly horrifying. It wasn't until I stopped writing for the night, and I laid down to go to bed and I was thinking over the scene that I arrived at trigger city. I actually had a mini panic attack.

It's all good now though and the scene is finished and now I can just focus on putting lots of distance between myself and that dream sequence.

I hope to get to 45k by tonight, so I better be going.

Love ya'll

Legacy

2008-11-15T22:42:00.001-07:00

Create my legacy
you fingers that trample and woo

Leave behind nothing
no substance but blue
but do forget the morning dew

Yes, leave that
left in darkness it will do.

Die in secret
you organ that is the life
the devil of me
the smile for you

the substantial things
they will die too
How they gawk and coo!

but in the end
lie back in your gray
I'm through.

Ahh...

2008-11-12T23:29:00.003-07:00

Just a short break from novelling...

I wrote five thousands words today. I feel like a real writer. I feel like I can *do* this. I can get published and live my dream. It's totally possible.

I feel amazing. I think this is how it feels to give birth to a new child.

Well, not really. That will come when I can write "THE END" but now is like...when you are in the middle of labor and suddenly realize "Holy shit, i'm having a baby."

Love you all. See you on the other side.

NaNoWriMo Update Numero Tres

2008-11-08T00:49:00.002-07:00

TITLE:Pushing Lilies

SYNOPSIS: Cecilia Matheson falls in love with a Mr. Laurence Rochester, only to find out that he is not who he seems. (Lame, I know. I will write a better one later)

TOTAL WORD COUNT: 17306/50000 (as of midnight november 8th. I plan to write more, I took an accidental nap and so I am not at all tired..)

DAILY QUOTA OF 1667 WORDS: surpassed (erm...for the 7th..which is yesterday...but barely.)

MUSINGS SO FAR: I had no intention of the best friend maid named Chelsea. funny how these things happen. I like Chelsea though. I wish she was MY friend. Ha.

It is officially week two of NaNo. It is known as "Hell Week." This is the week where most people quit. Pas Moi! I will prevail. Especially since Laurie has been introduced, considering his appearance is loosely based on James McAvoy. Yum. I could write about him for hours.

He met cecilia at a bookshop who's description was totally pilfered from Twice Told Tales in downtown Nampa.

God, I love that place. If I had money, I would totally spend it there.

Sorry about the lack of non-nano blogs. In real life I am still unemployed, still generally unhappy, but feeling like a "real writer"makes my heart happy. So I am doing better than I might have been otherwise.

NaNoWriMo Update Numero Dos

2008-11-05T19:27:00.001-07:00

TITLE:Pushing Lilies

SYNOPSIS: Cecilia Matheson falls in love with a Mr. Laurence Rochester, only to find out that he is not who he seems. (Lame, I know. I will write a better one later)

TOTAL WORD COUNT: 10447/50000

DAILY QUOTA OF 1667 WORDS: Surpassed

MUSINGS SO FAR; So, I killed Anne. I actually cried. I've never cried over the death of a character before. I was writing the scene in an unstable mental state anyway, so I'm sure that contributed to the water works. It was sad to see her go, but necessary.

I'd like to take this time to thank the gods of nanowrimo for the invention of the Word War (Unofficial contests in which a time limit is set and the contestants compete to write the most words in that time.) Today while I was writing and Moxie Java, I won a word war with 954 words in FIFTEEN MINUTES. It wasn't all dribble either. I couldn't have done it without the bloodthirsty desire to make disembodied usernames in the chatroom cry.

I am excited to introduce Laurence. Soon, my pretty, pretty, male love interest. Soon.

NaNoWriMo Update Numero Uno!

2008-11-01T00:20:00.002-07:00

NaNoWriMo Update!

The first of it's kind.

At almost exactly 1 am the morning of November the First, 2008 I met my daily word count goal of 1667 words. I already love my Cecilia. I am totally going to finish it this year. Just wait, on the 30th of November I will have my last nano update saying THANK GOD IT'S OVER.

Considering I met my daily quota in only an hour, it would seem as though NaNoWriMo is a piece of cake. An hour a day, that's all.

Oh but it's so much more than just an hour a day. It's the whole day, thinking, planning, jotting, writing, panicking, coffee guzzling, beret-wearing wonderful-ness.

Oh NaNoWriMo, How do I love thee?

(Somehow managed to get D to do it with me this year. He is sitting on the floor typing away. Bwahahaa)

http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/212496

Check it out, ya'll.

Official

2008-10-30T20:28:00.002-07:00

I officially voted for Barack Obama yesterday. Now all I can do is wait.

In other news, still unemployed, still depressed.

The Unemployed Agoraphobe.

2008-10-26T14:38:00.004-07:00

Being unemployed is really a sad place to be.

I went to the shoe store the other day to check in on my application and she asked the dreaded question. "Why don't you work at Albertsons anymore?"

Ehhh...

I stuttered something incomprehensible about my diagnosis which, I'm sure, she heard as "I am not dependable and mentally incompetent."

It is immature to feel like a victim here? Mental disorders are, in my experience, vastly underestimated. Example: You call in to work. "I am unwell." "Do you ave a fever?" "No." "Get your ass down here." Meanwhile I can't breathe and am making a general fool of myself, raving on about something, crying and screaming.

The reason why working at Albertsons was so awful was more than the fact that the hectic atmosphere triggered my panic attacks, more than the fact that I felt trapped in that building, but that I felt disrespected. Sure, some of my coworkers were sympathetic, but the general consensus about me as an employee seemed to be "You are weak. You are lazy. You make up excuses."

In a way, they were right. I am weak, I am so afraid of myself that even thinking about the possibility of having an attack is usually enough to keep me from doing what I really want to do. I am lazy, I am so damn tired of fighting this and I would love nothing more than to just crawl into bed and never leave it for the rest of my days.

But I do not, I do not, make up excuses for myself. Despite being weak and lazy, I still get up and fix my hair every morning. I still search for a new job. I still put on a happy face for the sake of my loved ones.

Somtimes it's too hard. I'll admit that. But I still try.

I know people don't understand, I can't expect them to, but can't they look at it the way I do? I am not less worthy because life is hard for me, I am more worthy because I live it anyway.

Little survey thing

2008-10-21T23:15:00.003-07:00

I love these things. They are fun to fill out. Do it yourself and add it to your blog!

List Ten Things You Love About Yourself

1. I have big, round eyes.

2. I am a pretty kickass writer

3. I am petite and have a cute figure.

4. I have good table manners.

5. I can hold my own in intellectual conversations.

6. I am a good singer

7. And I can dance.

8. I am a good communicator.

9. I have a cute scar on my thumb.

10. And one on the tip of my nose.

List Ten Things You Hate About Yourself.

1. My nose is a bit on the big size.

2. My boobs are uneven.

3. Short. Eyelashes.

4. I tend to stutter when I get angry.

5. I am really uncomfortable with outward displays of emotion.

6. I am a procrastinator.

7. I feel like people should take care of me.

8. I can't write songs.

9. I have childlike fears.

10. I am overly sensitive to what other people think of me.

Now. Which one was easier to fill out?

Negatives. Obviously.

Telling, no?

Update

2008-10-19T13:35:00.003-07:00

Man oh man. Major drama ensues.

I got fired.

Ok, major drama, but a short fact. Yeah, they got tired of my missing work on account of panic attacks, so they fired me. I learned from some online friends that what they did is actually illegal, since I have a medical diagnosis, but I really didn't like working there anyway, so I'm not going to make it a big deal. I already sent in an application to payless shoesource. It felt like the lady there really liked me, and I am going back today to check on my application.

It would be pretty awesome to work at payless. It is a lot smaller and less hectic than Albertsons so I doubt I would have any panic related problems there. Plus I live only a hop skip and a jump away from there, so I wouldn't have to be that annoying girl that calls you all the time asking for a ride to work.

I feel good about it.

Oh! I re-discovered my old account at fictionpress.com. A bunch of my old half-finished storied were still saved there. I was such a loser. haha. Daniel Radcliffe fanfic. Oh yes. Fictionpress is really an awesome website though. It's easy to navigate and the interfece is really simple. It doesn't have some cutesy mascot or anything like that. Just straigtforward document hosting, commenting, and communities.

Oh yeah! (Sorry, this is such a scatterbrained post. Maybe if I posted every day I would have more deep meaningful posts. Nowadays I just feel like I have to update everyone on the boring stuff in my life..) I bought a webcam. I am playing with the idea of a podcast, but ugh, I have a speech impediment. I stutter and trip all over myself. We'll see.

Getting pretty close to Nanowrimo now...Pushing Up Lilies is done with the planning stage. I'm all set to go!

Anyway, love you!

Will Work For Purses.

2008-10-14T12:26:00.005-07:00

I bought a super cute coffee table at the thrift store for 6 bucks yeaterday. It is plastic but it looks like wood and you can only tell if you knock on it. Heh... It's the perfect size and color though. I dig it. At the thrift store they had an awesome reproduction of "Tournee Du Chat Noir." I wanted it so bad but can't afford it this week. I am counting on the lack of taste of the inhabitants of this town so that it will still be there Friday. I need that painting. I need it.

Tomorrow is inspection day from El Landlordio. That means Salem keeps to spend a day with Jan and I get to clean like a madwoman. He better notice the cute coffee table and leave a nice note accordingly. Expectations are low on that front.

In crafty news, as some of you may know I am a bit of a purse whore. Not in the way that I compulsively buy purses, but in the way that when I have been carrying the same purse for too long (Two weeks is my max) I grow aggrivated. I have been wanting a cool structured purse, but after trolling the stors around here, I decided that I simply can't afford to put down 40 bucks for a cute purse. So I resolved to make one. Picture below.

I am using needlework canvas for the frame, covering it with *Adorable* fabric I picked up from JoAnnes, and adding a cute embroidery to the front (The wing of the bird is appliqued with the pretty fabric. How freaking creative am I?) Handles will be store bought. Estimated total cost will be around 8 dollars. Estimated total happiness is 1000000%.

Writing progresses slowly. I am disciplining myself to writing 2000 words a day in preperation for November. Check out the link to the Right for South Of Seattle to revel in my ineffectuality and love of typos.

Blessings.

In The Mental Ward

2008-10-11T20:51:00.003-07:00

I wrote this last year. I recently submitted it to a writer's forum and someone said it reminded them of Sylvia Plath. Best. Compliment. Ever.

IN THE MENTAL WARD

The wet tree outside my window
says
spring is coming
I can smell the soggy bark
though the glass
the mold creeps through
where the draft comes through
my bed is made
I am waiting for breakfast

The boy across the hallway speaks
murmurs grunts
his fat sticky fingers come
under the doorway
into my vocal tubes

an ant on the floor
among the sterile, multi-colored
threads of the carpet
looks up at
my hair and clothes

Pom ees feeneeshed

2008-10-09T15:40:00.000-07:00

I finished my first embroidery project!! Here it is. My camera phone really doesn't do it justice at all. I love it love it love it. I just need to frame it and send it off to mommy. =]

I scored some really cute fabric at JoAnnes,pictures to come. I think I am going to make a purse. I don't know though, I never feel like the purses I make are sturdy enough. /Pining for a sewing machine.../

Anyways, just wanted to share. I have a short story idea in my head right now, might update later with some fiction, at long last.

Obligatory.

2008-10-08T11:55:00.000-07:00

I had two whole days off of work an I didn't even clean the house. Ugh. The weather is already getting to me, I just sleep and sleep and never want to do anything. I think I need to start drinking coffee again. They say it's an anti-depressant. We'll see.

So, I feel like I am just updating out of guilt. I don't actually have anything to blog about really. I'm still getting over the cold (still!) I can breathe now but my cough sounds pretty gnarly.

It's pretty damn cold out today. I wish winter didn't have to come at all. I would like Fall a lot better if winter wasn't always looming behind it. Not long ago this was my favorite season. It made me want to wear long skirts and bell-sleeved tops and collect pretty leaves. Fall in Idaho isn't terribly impressive though. The trees pretty much skip the whole pretty colors thing. Just one day you wake up and realize all the trees are dead. Maybe one day I will move back east. Fall in New Jersey is unlike anything I have ever seen.

I would post an update on my embroidery project, but my process is miserable. I started on the top leaf but I'm not sure about the color. I might tear it all out, but for now I am just going to keep stitching and hope it grows on me.

I would also post an update about my writing, but process there is miserable as well. I am always "getting around" to sitting down at my desk, but so far it hasn't happened. There isn't a color dilemma to excuse my writing though. I just can't seem to focus on anything right now. My poor office hasn't even been aired for several days. I have grown roots into the couch. This same damn couch.

All that being said, I don't have anything to blog about.

Blessings.

-Alek

Jacobean pomegranate

2008-10-04T18:09:00.000-07:00

Today, wow. D has a ten hour shift (!) and I have the day off. I have been sitting in my corner of the couch all day, except during the big thunderstorm, when I wrapped myself in my blankets and sat on the balcony. I haven't written anything yet today, I had every intention to, but I got caught up ion my embroidery project for my mom. I got a lot done, but i'm always surprised how long needlework takes! The pattern is one I copied (not traced, as I don't have a printer =[ ) from a picture online of a jacobean pomegranate. Here is a picture of my progress so far. Sorry about the shoddy wuality, I used my phone.

http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=nff887&s=4

Mom, if you want it to be a surprise don't click on the link!

My satin stitch needs work but hey, I am still a beginner, and it is, in my opinion, the prettiest stitch for embroidery, so I will be getting lots of practice.

In other news, I am still sick but I have my energy back and the congestion is going away. I still have the annoying headache though. I am jealous that D got over it so quick. He has an iron immune system, in fact this was the only time I had every seen him sick. I'm glad he is better, but still.

I have no idea what time I work tomorrow...

Writing. The Cursed Blessing I Can't Get Away From.

2008-10-01T21:34:00.000-07:00

I had a panic attack today. It was bad. What made it worse is that D and I couldn't find my clonazapem. Bad thing. We found it eventually, but not before I had spiralled into the realm of Kafka. I called my mom and we discussed possible triggers. She asked if I was too stressed about Nanowrimo. Yes, I am stressed, but in the most delightful way. I think the proper term there is "So freaking excited I can't take it, but also trepidatious because it might be hard, but if it is thats okay because it's fun anyway." Stressed is easier to say.

Then we thought about my writing escapade yesterday (See previous entry). I am sure it stemmed from that. Yesterday's episode just percolated along with my cold from hell, so I was on edge, and physically ill. My BIGGEST trigger for panic attacks is feeling sick. (See also: Emetophobia) So that plus yesterday plus PMS, sorry guys, equals super mega panic mode.

Mom wants me to go back to Group. I am going to wait a couple days and see how I feel, because it's kind of a hassle plus it would be weird to be there with anyone but my mom.

I just need to put more space between me and myself.

That made sense to me.

Other than that, I am still trucking along. Been writing more, even invested in a new journal. Even though I have come to prefer writing at the laptop, it's simply not as portable as a notebook and you never know when you will be struck with the desire to write. Plus I like collecting things and taping them in my journals. It's a tactile thing.

Anyway. I love you all, and don't worry about me too much. For all intents and purposes, I'm fine.

The Pit and the Pen.

2008-09-30T22:42:00.001-07:00

Well lookie here, I got a follower. I don't know who she is but I read through her blog and she sounds just like me when I was in 7th grade. So here is a quick shout out to Rikki: Don't worry about it too much. I know that life seems like it sucks hardcore monkey balls right now, but things do get better, and if they don't get better you learn how to handle it and become a better person for the lesson.

7th grade was awful for me, my mom can attest to that. I felt like everyone in my school (read: the world) hated me and thought I was ugly and stupid and annoying. I am glad I got over that in Middle school though, if I still felt that everyone has the time and energy to hate me I would be in an even worse pit.

Speaking of pits. I had a Panic attack the other day, the first one in months. See, I was writing in my journal about the particular episode where I destroyed *all* of my old journals then proceeded to mutilate my arms with a plastic shaver with the plastic melted off. It was a bad, bad time. I wanted to write about it as a symbol of moving past that part of my life. I never finished the piece though. About halfway through I started panicing and had to stop.

I guess that, though I am working my way out of the hole I lived in for so long, I am not quite ready to look down yet. When I have enough space between me and the bottom, I will be able to finish that story without any physical symptoms, and I will know that I am finally out.

Still Not Feeling So Hot

2008-09-30T12:43:00.001-07:00

As you can see I changed my template and colors again. I wanted to go for something Autumn-y. I like it for now but if you know anything about me and my blogs, I like to change how they look a lot.

Today I have to go to work and I still feel like my blood turned into yogurt and my head is housing an angry mob equipped with large hammers. I slept pretty well last night but not very long. I got to bed late because I was busy cleaning up and moving my blog over here. I woke up at ten (which is pretty early for me) and had some tea and a coffee cake. The tea was a new kind i bought from Celestial Seasonings it's called Morning Thunder. It has a picture of a buffalo on the package and it contains extra caffine. I like it because it is lighter than coffee and it's faster to make a cup of tea in the microwave than percolate a whole pot of coffee (And since Gamer doesn't drink coffee, it never gets finished by the end of the day.)

Tomorrow marks the first of October. Also known as NaNoWriMoPlaMo (National Novel Writing Month Planning Month) I made that up, it's a pretty awesome mouthful. I have written down a writing prompt for each day, some of them are to describe a character's childhood or their daily routines and so forth. By the time November comes a long I will already have a good relationship with my characters and be able to write them better. I am going to aim for at least a thousands words per prompt to get me in the flow of writing a lot. And having an exercise for each day of a whole month gives me time to find out what writing routines work best for me. I already know that I like writing in the morning, but I hardly ever wake up in time for the fresh morning light. So I might try changing my sleeping habits to accomodate writing in the morning, or just try out writing late at night or in the middle of the day. I also know that I do my best writing in my office, but I'll try going to different coffee shops and other such venues to see where I am most productive.

It's so much fun to plan out the writing process. Let's just hope that the actual act of getting words onto the screen is equally enjoyable.

I can't urge you enough to go to nanowrimo.org and sign up. It's a lot of fun. You get an excuse to go a little crazy for a month ("I'm a novelist, I am SUPPOSED to be weird.") and there is a great community of people on the website doing the same thing.

Anyway, I hope everyone has an awesome day. Get your Vitamin C, you don't want to end up like me!

Update your bookmarks!

2008-09-30T00:58:00.000-07:00

I am such a google lunatic. I use almost every one of google's services and it was really weighing on my conscience that I was hosting my blog at Wordpress.com. Don't get me wrong, Wordpress is a great host for blogs, but blogger is just kind of my home and I find the interface a lot more user friendly.

So here I am. Different location, Different title, same blog. I brought over some of the more memorable posts from http://howtosmile.wordpress.com and you can still head over there to read the comments and less interesting posts.

On an unrelated note...
Gamer and I are both sick. He caught it first so he is already feeling better but I am still in the middle of this cold/flu/deadly disease of death thing. I had to take Sunday off of work, today i had off, and tomorrow I am supposed to go at 4. I really hope that I get my energy back by then. It is a considerable exertion on my part to even type at the moment. I can't imagine pushing carts and lifting cases of bottled water.

I am getting geared up for NaNoWriMo (at NaNoWriMo.org my username is GenuineDraft. Get it? ha...puns..) I really hope I can find some friends who live around here who are interested in joining up this year. It is a lot more fun to write in groups. Oh..for those who don't know, NaNoWriMo is short for National Novel Writing Month. 50,000 words of a novel in the month of November. Big challenge, but doable. In fact, I find it easier to do the more busy I am. See, when it comes to writing, the more time you have to do it, the more likely you are to get distracted and procrastinate. When your schedule is packed as it is, those few moments you have to work on your novel become precious and you will be much more productive. November is all about quantity, not quality. Editing is for December.

I bought a book today at Twice Told Tales. It's called Sketchbook by Washington Irving. Has anyone heard of it? I chose it because it is super old and cool looking, someone took notes in it with a fountain pen generations ago, and because the pages turn so well. I will post a picture tomorrow. I am too sleepy and sicky-poo feeling to go get the camera right now.

Brightest Blessings to you all!

In The Night Kitchen

2008-09-30T00:07:00.001-07:00

This is the light of the mind, cold and planetary.

-Sylvia Plath

It is exactly 5 am right now. I am having troubles getting to sleep and so retreated to my laptop. I am sitting on the uncomfortable couch and the window is wide open. It just stopped raining outside and when the cars drive by they make that sticky, wet pavement sound. I love the rain. Today at work it was hell to go outside, it was more than just heat, it was heaviness. Everyone knew it would rain later, but then it was just heat and a sick brown sky. I am cold now, i’m hoping that freezing myself in the living room will make the warm bed more inviting and likely to lull me to sleep.

They say that the trick to getting to sleep when you have insomnia is to give up on sleep that night. Resolve yourself to just pull an all night-er. They tell you to get up, walk around, watch TV, make a snack, or whatever. Eventually you will get tired out and fall asleep. So that’s what i’m doing…..

—

I think it is weird that I have always considered myself a morning person. Philosophically mornings are much more inspiring to me than sunsets, but when I think of the rare times when I have had insomnia and not stressed out about it, I do quite well at night. I enjoy writing alone in the dark because I am a privacy whore. I HATE it when people look over my shoulder at my screen. It’s not like I am looking at porn or anything, it just makes me antsy. What better time to get on the laptop than in the dead of night all alone in the dark?

Another good thing about nighttime is that you can really hear the train from here at night. During the day it is buried under the sounds of the road I live on, but at night it’s as if the tracks were only a block away. I like to think about what the train is carrying, where it’s going, and all the places it’s been.

Another thing I like about the night is that even a messy house looks pretty by moonlight, and the features of my lover, which I know so well, get those mysterious shadows in the moon’s glow. It’s times like these where I hear music on the wind, in the sound of cars driving by, in the hum of a refrigerator. In the dead of night everything is holy. Nothing is mundane. Life is eons away.w

I'll never let go, Jack.

2008-09-30T00:05:00.000-07:00

The truth of the matter is that I feel pretty down right now. I attribute this to the fact that my apartment is always a mess and I can never seem to keep up with it. I’d like to say that it is all the boy’s fault, but it’s not. It is almost the equinox and thus will begin the dark half of the year. My bright outlook on life draining out and with it goes my energy. I slept until 1:30 in the afternoon today. I was going to clean but instead I sat on my but and wasted my day away in front of the TV.

In Wiccan thought, it is said that winter is a time of reflection and inner searching. I think that the fear of this is at the root of my problem with Winter. To quote Plath: “If I rest, if I think inward, I go mad.” And even as I think about this now (as I write my posts serendipitously, there is no planning. There is rarely revision.) it makes more and more sense. Writing is a safer way of reflection than mere thought, but it is essentially the same. Writing often accompanies trauma in my life, it both augments my pain and relieves it in a way that I cant describe. It is when I stop writing that I am overcome. last year I didn’t write at all from just before Christmas until I was admitted in March and forced to write as a part of my therapy. I am trying to think of a good analogy…writing is a wooden board filled with nails. It will keep you afloat in an ocean, but it hurts like hell to lay on it.

This winter, I would rather have a few puncture wounds than drown.

So I’ll need your help. If I disappear from How To Smile e-mail me and nag me and make me write whether I want to or not.

France

2008-09-30T00:04:00.000-07:00

Do I believe in fate?

No. Not really.

But something strange is happening. Last night I had a dream that I was in Paris. I often think that I belong there, that it is some accident that I am here in Idaho. I don’t know why, but I am absolutely in love with all things French.

Then today at work, there were these two women who were speaking French. French French too, not Canadian French, which is truly amazing because there are probably a grand total of three French people in all of Idaho and I have NEVER come across one before.

Then, roughly 6 minutes after these women left, another woman came through the line wearing a Paris Tee-Shirt.

Dream…French Women…tee shirt… All in one day.

Yes, I know it’s wishful thinking that these are signs that I will soon be making a move. But still. I like the idea. Truthfully, I think that things like this are not “divine intervention” but just a realization of how much you care about something. I dreamed about France because I yearn for it. Those two women struck me so much because I yearn for France. I noticed that woman’s shirt because I yearn for France.

I was supposed to go there with my class during spring break this year, but that’s when the Agoraphobia got really bad. I haven’t thought about it much since then. I am taking this, not as a sign that I am going to France, but as a sign that I am recovering. Not long ago I couldn’t imagine leaving my home, and now I am dreaming about leaving the country.

I am so glad I can hope again.

In Which Alek Reinvents Herself

2008-09-30T00:02:00.000-07:00

((I return to my blog in shame…Sorry it’s been so long. I was playing around with other blog host options, only to find that wordpress.com is the best thing out there. I changed my theme, like it?))

Today I walked to work, as I do when D can’t give me a ride. I was absolutely aware of the fact that I was exhausted and didn’t want to work and that it was much too hot for 11 in the morning. I fought every step.

There is a family that lives down the street from me. They have roughly 6 picnic tables, a trampoline, and an inflatable pool proudly displayed in their front yard. On the fourth of July I saw a common sight, there were at least 30 people there. Every seat was taken up, the barbeque was giving off the heavenly scent of briquette smoke, there was a game of volley ball going on, there were children on the trampoline and running around the yard and everyone was happy. Some people might find the 6 picnic tables in their yard to be a strange thing, until you live here for a while, long enough to witness one of their frequent parties. I wish I was a part of that huge family.

Back to walking to work…I pass by this house on the way and there is one man sitting among the joyful rubble of that barbeque. I have never talked to him before. Ever. Never even noticed him. He yells across the yard to me “How are you?” Good. “Perfect weather today!” You are right.

And, as you might have guessed, I felt much better after this short interaction. I decided to live with the day, not fight against it. I dedicated the day to The Gods and kept walking.

I have never been so lucky as to experience the famous “cosmic two-by-four” but today I think I got close, because this theme came up again in the same day (Which is a big deal for me, I rarely think of the same thing twice in the space of a day.)

I was out getting carts and a woman came across the parking lot carrying a small rolling suitcase. She came up to me and said she had a question for me. She asked me if I thought they would let her keep her case in the customer service booth while she shopped. She explained that she had gotten a DUI and had to walk, inside the case was a backpack, so that she could take her groceries home. She said they could check her case so we knew she didn’t have a bomb or anything. I said it would probably be just fine. She smiled as she walked away and said over her shoulders: “Walking makes me feel great.” with a big, unabashed smile.

There was a woman who was found happiness in her misfortune. Like me on my walk to work.

I have recently been trying to get more in touch with The Gods. I started doing a one card draw of my Faery Oracle to facilitate a meditation to think on throughout the day. I never really get it until later. today I drew Lys of the Shadows. Guess what her message is? Find peace in misfortune.

Yeah. I thought so too.

Life sucks sometimes. Life sucks a lot of the time. But there is beauty, not only in the flowers and the wind, but also in the ugly things.

Private Goals

2008-09-30T00:01:00.000-07:00

“None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Wow, I haven’t been writing much here at all. I have a good excuse though, I have been working on a novel. That’s right. A novel. I don’t really want to talk to much about it because every time i get really excited about and start talking to everyone about a story I never seem to FINISH them..heh

Which makes me think…over at Zen Habits Leo talks frequently about goals and accountability. He says that when you make a goal you should basically tell everyone you can about it and keep them posted on your progress. He says it will inspire you to achieve your goals because you don’t want to report to everyone that you have failed.

I can see where this can help a lot of people in a lot of situations, however, in some cases (like my novel) if you are working on it just so you can tell everyone how well you are doing, it can make it feel as if you are doing it for them, not for yourself. Like I said, this can work for some goals, but when it is something that is fueled mostly by your sheer desire to do it, this can be fatal. In my experience this is certainly true in the case of creative writing. I get my friends all excited about my story that i find myself working on it just so that they can be satiated by the next chapter, not because I am inspired and excited about the work myself. You can tell too, you can go through my old stories and tell which parts I wrote because I wanted to and which parts were written because my friends wanted me to.

So sometimes it’s okay to have private battles. When I finish my novel i will feel even more proud because I will know I did it for me, because I wanted to, and I created something worthwhile. Plus, the look of surprise on people’s faces when they are presented with my finished draft when they weren’t even aware that I had been slaving over the thing for nights on end will be well worth it.

So, I’ll tell you I am writing a novel, but I wont tell you what it’s about and I wont tell you how far I am.

BFF

2008-09-29T23:59:00.000-07:00

The friendship that can cease has never been real.
Saint Jerome (374 AD - 419 AD)

Well, my best friend in the whole world is coming to town tomorrow. She lives across the country from me and I haven’t seen her in almost four years. This unbelievably exciting opportunity has given me a new lease on life in ways I wasn’t expecting. It’s as is I am coming back to myself. I grew up with Kristen and her influence has greatly affected the way I think and act. I sometimes think about what I would be like if I had never met her.

I would not have such a passion for writing, because our love of it grew with each other.

I would not have my spirituality, for we discovered it together.

I would not have my love of nature, for we first really explored it together.

Friendship is a gift, and yes, I do know how cliche that sounds. However, it’s true and when you have a really good friend, a true friend, you can’t let anything get in the way of it. At the end of my freshman year my mom and stepdad got divorced and my mom and my brothers and I were moving back to Idaho from New Jersey to be closer to family. I was devastated to be moving away from Kristen. But here I am, three years later, trying to figure out where she will sleep when she visits.

True friends never stop being your friends. I know how difficult it can be to maintain friendships when you have depression or another disorder, but just remember that they are still there. They haven’t gone anywhere. And they know exactly what kind of ice cream you want to go with your favorite romantic comedy.

Goodnight everyone. Sleep well and have a great tomorrow.

Confidence

2008-09-29T23:58:00.000-07:00

If you hear a voice within you say “you cannot paint,” then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.

~Vincent Van Gogh

I step into the debate round. I am not prepared for this. My stomach churns at the sight of my opponent’s fancy briefcase. I really really want to go home. I shuffle to my place and fumble with my papers. When I speak, I sound like a lost child. I lose the debate round and, it feels to me, the respect of my teammates. The frustrating thing is that if I knew then what I know now, I could have debated the kid so hard he would be in tears. Even with a crummy case and bad organization skills.

It’s all about confidence.

Had I walked in there faster, talked louder, and acted more important, I could have won because in competitive debate as well as in life…it’s all about confidence. Whether or not you have the upper hand in a situation, if you act as if you do, you will be more likely to succeed.

This explains the semi-attractive girls with the crowds of men at their feet. She is not actually better than you (I promise.) she just acts like it. Studies show that if women think they are hot, more men tend to agree with them. Who wants to be with someone who doesn’t even like themselves anyway?

But I am sure you have heard this before. It sounds simple, right? It’s not. I know it. It’s hard to be confidant, no matter who you are. So here are some tips to help get your started.

Fake it ‘til you make it. Let’s look back at my ill-fated debate round. In competitive debate, half the battle is in the suit. Who ever has the nicest suit will probably win. Why? Because the person in the nicest suit feels hot. When you know you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, you perform better. So, even if you think you have no chance of doing well in an interview, or getting that special someone to go out on a date with you, if you walk in thinking “I am awesome.” It will show. Nothing is more intimidating in debate than a guy with a black suit and matching briefcase. Even if the briefcase is his dad’s and is full of blank papers with doodles on them. Those guys win. A lot.

Do what you are good at. This is a trick I implement before dates and interviews alike. Before I go, I set aside time to do something that I know I am really good at. For example, I will often write poetry before going on a date because when I complete a poem it makes me feel better about myself. This has been much more successful for me than spending 30 minutes before the date scrutinizing the size of my butt in the mirror. So, next time you need to make an impression, do something you know you are good at before hand. Then, even if the guy doesn’t ask you out again, you are still a freaking amazing poet.

Be prepared. To go back to debate again, I also know that I was not prepared for that round. I hadn’t done my research, and I lost. You are more likely to appear confident if you are confident (Duh, right? But sometimes it helps to have “duh” things written out and solid.) Do your homework; it’s almost always worth it.

These are only a couple of examples that have turned out very helpful in my experience. I certainly hope they work for you too. Good luck!

(originally posted on my old blog on May 18, 2008)

5 reasons to Keep a Journal

2008-09-29T23:55:00.000-07:00

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. ~Ray Bradbury

I consider myself a very lucky person. I have many good things in my life, I have a wonderful family, a roof over my head, goodish grades in school, but most of all, I have a sincere joy of writing. I have kept a journal regularly since I was very young. The first time I remember really picking up a personal journal was when my grandmother died hen I was seven (I think. The memory is vague)

I know that everyone knows that writing is good for you. The first thing out of most therapists mouths if you go to counseling is “Keep a personal journal.” I know that, personally, writing has saved my life in MANY instances. I have struggled with depression for a good chunk of my life and Panic Disorder for a smaller, but still considerable, chunk of it too. I felt suicidal, and I would take out my notebook and write until my brain was empty. Writing can help you with anything though, from boredom to rage to insomnia.

Most of all, a personal journal is essential to anyone trying to find their way. Heres why.

You will not be judged. No one is going to read your journal but you, unless you want them to. So you can feel free to open up for once. talk about how skanky you think that one chick is. Write out all the juicy details of that particularly sexy dream you had. Write pages and pages of literary crap for the fun of it. Don’t edit yourself. This can be scary and feel weird at first, but you get used to it. I promise.
You will understand yourself more. I once had a really awful breakup. I kept telling myself that I didn’t care about that cheating sonofabitch it and that I was moved on. Then one day I was flipping though my journal. I literally had pages upon pages of me talking about how I was so over him. Hmm…..
You will learn to see art everywhere. Keeping a journal is kind of like buying a really fancy photographer’s camera. There are two things that could happen. You could think that the camera is too scary and you will break it if you touch it, or worse, someone will see those stupid ugly photos you took. Or you can take that camera with you everywhere, and suddenly even small things like dandelions thriving in the cracks of a sidewalk has the potential to be a stunning and thought provoking image. Nothing is too small or insignificant to be beautiful.
You WILL have inspiration. I often get these random intense urges to write fiction. I will sit at the computer, my fingers poised at the ready to create the next great American novel. Nothing comes out. I have no stories in my head, just the desire to write SOMETHING. This is when I take out an old journal. I flip to a promising looking page and read it. I am very often surprised by my own writing. A random boredom-inspired journal entry about the old lady that lives across the street could blossom into an idea. “I wonder why she lives alone, was she ever married, what was her husband like? Does she have kids? Why don’t they visit? Maybe they are captives or convicts or foreign politicians. Maybe she is a spy……”
You will have SOMETHING: Do you ever look back at the past week, month, year, or whatever and think, “God, my life is so boring. I have done nothing interesting.” Well, even if your life seems boring, keeping a journal will make you feel much better about yourself because, even if after a month all you have is a journal full of your complaining about work. You FILLED and entire BOOK with writing. I can’t explain the cathartic feeling of flipping though a newly filled journal (even if it is just full of “boring” writing)

Keeping a journal is cheap. You don’t have to go out and buy a moleskin journal and a fancy cartridge pen. Personally, I stock up on spiral notebooks and composition books in the fall when they are a dime a dozen. In fact, i encourage keeping a personal journal in a cheap notebook. It keeps you from taking yourself too seriously. I have some very fancy pens, but I hardly ever use them because when I do I feel like I should be writing something worthy. Your journal doesn’t have to be worthy of anything. It’s just you. It’s you being bored. It’s you being pissed off. It’s you being sad. It’s you being creative.

It’s you being free.

(Originally posted on a previous blog on May 9, 2008

Go Outside!

2008-09-29T23:52:00.000-07:00

I believe in God, only I spell it Nature.
-Frank Lloyd Wright

————–

I am going to be a high school student for another month or so and I have recently (well, since last summer) moved to a house just across a park from the school. So I walk. In the winter it sucked to walk across that field of grass crunchy with frost, but spring has begun to show its face here in Idaho and now the sun is even almost rising when I leave in the morning! When I wake up it is nothing but darkness, but as I go around getting ready the sky turns from black to a dark purple to a lighter shade of indigo by the time I get outside.

This morning was particularly lovely. There were dark gray clouds set against the lighter gray of the morning sky. They swirled around the horizon and slowly wove in and out of each other. Despite the cold wind, I walked to school slower than usual today and when I got to the door of the school I felt better than I have in a long time.

Remembering how good I felt in the morning, when I came home I walked purposefully slow again. I even stopped and laid down in the grass. The clouds had conglomerated more since the morning and I knew it was going to rain soon. The world seemed hushed. The wind was cold, but not bitingly so.

I know how nature, how simply being outside, can completely alter your mood. You don’t have to take my word for it either, in fact, I’m pretty sure you are remembering a time when you felt truly at peace outside just now. If you weren’t, do so now. I also know that not everyone lives directly next to a gigantic field of grass, so I hope this post will help those who do want to feel that cathartic moment of oneness more often, daily even.

1. Plan- You probably wont just happen across a beautiful scape of untouched nature. You need to plan to go outside whenever you can. For me, I get my time outdoors by walking to and from school and also from walking the dogs. Maybe you have a garden that has been neglected, or maybe you have always wanted a garden. Maybe you have an expensive membership to a gym that could be traded for a completely free lap around the nearest public park. Whatever it is you want to do outside, you need to write it down on your calendar, on your to-do list, or whatever system you use. It’s far too easy to not have time.

2. Take a friend- Everything is more fun with your friends. When trying to become more attuned to nature it can be awkward. It is much easier to enjoy a beautiful day if you have someone there you can talk about it with.

3. Go alone- Don’t always take a friend though. As sometimes they can influence the way you see something. For instance, maybe your friend is waxing poetic on the color of the grass, when you would much rather get a closer look to that perfect, untouched spider web. This is supposed to be a personal experience.

4. Eat outside- This is possibly the easiest way to enjoy nature. Eating is fun, and any excuse for a barbecue is a good one.

5. Sleep with the window open- It can be uncomfortable being outside at night, especially if you live in a potentially dangerous area. But nighttime is absolutely as beautiful as daytime. When the weather permits, crack open your bedroom window before jumping in bed. The breeze will keep your face cool as your body cuddles in the warmth of the blankets, and when you wake up you will feel more refreshed and at peace. I promise.

Some more:

* Take your shoes off when walking in the grass.
* Take dogs out for walks individually.
* Collect attractive rocks and arrange them in your home, bring the outside in.
* Throw open the curtains.
* Leave the front door open in the summer.
* Wake up earlier and watch the sunrise over coffee.
* Roll down the window in the car instead of using the AC.
* Make a snowman with your kids.
* Try to hear music in the wind. I swear, if you listen closely there are notes.
* Take your hair out of the ponytail if it’s breezy.

There are countless others. I’m sure you can think of some. Make your own list. Write it down in your agenda. Go outside. Now.

Then come back so I can say “I told you so.”

Wishing you a wonderful day,

Alek