In The Night Kitchen

This is the light of the mind, cold and planetary.

-Sylvia Plath

It is exactly 5 am right now. I am having troubles getting to sleep and so retreated to my laptop. I am sitting on the uncomfortable couch and the window is wide open. It just stopped raining outside and when the cars drive by they make that sticky, wet pavement sound. I love the rain. Today at work it was hell to go outside, it was more than just heat, it was heaviness. Everyone knew it would rain later, but then it was just heat and a sick brown sky. I am cold now, i’m hoping that freezing myself in the living room will make the warm bed more inviting and likely to lull me to sleep.

They say that the trick to getting to sleep when you have insomnia is to give up on sleep that night. Resolve yourself to just pull an all night-er. They tell you to get up, walk around, watch TV, make a snack, or whatever. Eventually you will get tired out and fall asleep. So that’s what i’m doing…..

—

I think it is weird that I have always considered myself a morning person. Philosophically mornings are much more inspiring to me than sunsets, but when I think of the rare times when I have had insomnia and not stressed out about it, I do quite well at night. I enjoy writing alone in the dark because I am a privacy whore. I HATE it when people look over my shoulder at my screen. It’s not like I am looking at porn or anything, it just makes me antsy. What better time to get on the laptop than in the dead of night all alone in the dark?

Another good thing about nighttime is that you can really hear the train from here at night. During the day it is buried under the sounds of the road I live on, but at night it’s as if the tracks were only a block away. I like to think about what the train is carrying, where it’s going, and all the places it’s been.

Another thing I like about the night is that even a messy house looks pretty by moonlight, and the features of my lover, which I know so well, get those mysterious shadows in the moon’s glow. It’s times like these where I hear music on the wind, in the sound of cars driving by, in the hum of a refrigerator. In the dead of night everything is holy. Nothing is mundane. Life is eons away.w

I'll never let go, Jack.

The truth of the matter is that I feel pretty down right now. I attribute this to the fact that my apartment is always a mess and I can never seem to keep up with it. I’d like to say that it is all the boy’s fault, but it’s not. It is almost the equinox and thus will begin the dark half of the year. My bright outlook on life draining out and with it goes my energy. I slept until 1:30 in the afternoon today. I was going to clean but instead I sat on my but and wasted my day away in front of the TV.

In Wiccan thought, it is said that winter is a time of reflection and inner searching. I think that the fear of this is at the root of my problem with Winter. To quote Plath: “If I rest, if I think inward, I go mad.” And even as I think about this now (as I write my posts serendipitously, there is no planning. There is rarely revision.) it makes more and more sense. Writing is a safer way of reflection than mere thought, but it is essentially the same. Writing often accompanies trauma in my life, it both augments my pain and relieves it in a way that I cant describe. It is when I stop writing that I am overcome. last year I didn’t write at all from just before Christmas until I was admitted in March and forced to write as a part of my therapy. I am trying to think of a good analogy…writing is a wooden board filled with nails. It will keep you afloat in an ocean, but it hurts like hell to lay on it.

This winter, I would rather have a few puncture wounds than drown.

So I’ll need your help. If I disappear from How To Smile e-mail me and nag me and make me write whether I want to or not.

In Which Alek Reinvents Herself

((I return to my blog in shame…Sorry it’s been so long. I was playing around with other blog host options, only to find that wordpress.com is the best thing out there. I changed my theme, like it?))

Today I walked to work, as I do when D can’t give me a ride. I was absolutely aware of the fact that I was exhausted and didn’t want to work and that it was much too hot for 11 in the morning. I fought every step.

There is a family that lives down the street from me. They have roughly 6 picnic tables, a trampoline, and an inflatable pool proudly displayed in their front yard. On the fourth of July I saw a common sight, there were at least 30 people there. Every seat was taken up, the barbeque was giving off the heavenly scent of briquette smoke, there was a game of volley ball going on, there were children on the trampoline and running around the yard and everyone was happy. Some people might find the 6 picnic tables in their yard to be a strange thing, until you live here for a while, long enough to witness one of their frequent parties. I wish I was a part of that huge family.

Back to walking to work…I pass by this house on the way and there is one man sitting among the joyful rubble of that barbeque. I have never talked to him before. Ever. Never even noticed him. He yells across the yard to me “How are you?” Good. “Perfect weather today!” You are right.

And, as you might have guessed, I felt much better after this short interaction. I decided to live with the day, not fight against it. I dedicated the day to The Gods and kept walking.

I have never been so lucky as to experience the famous “cosmic two-by-four” but today I think I got close, because this theme came up again in the same day (Which is a big deal for me, I rarely think of the same thing twice in the space of a day.)

I was out getting carts and a woman came across the parking lot carrying a small rolling suitcase. She came up to me and said she had a question for me. She asked me if I thought they would let her keep her case in the customer service booth while she shopped. She explained that she had gotten a DUI and had to walk, inside the case was a backpack, so that she could take her groceries home. She said they could check her case so we knew she didn’t have a bomb or anything. I said it would probably be just fine. She smiled as she walked away and said over her shoulders: “Walking makes me feel great.” with a big, unabashed smile.

There was a woman who was found happiness in her misfortune. Like me on my walk to work.

I have recently been trying to get more in touch with The Gods. I started doing a one card draw of my Faery Oracle to facilitate a meditation to think on throughout the day. I never really get it until later. today I drew Lys of the Shadows. Guess what her message is? Find peace in misfortune.

Yeah. I thought so too.

Life sucks sometimes. Life sucks a lot of the time. But there is beauty, not only in the flowers and the wind, but also in the ugly things.

Private Goals

“None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Wow, I haven’t been writing much here at all. I have a good excuse though, I have been working on a novel. That’s right. A novel. I don’t really want to talk to much about it because every time i get really excited about and start talking to everyone about a story I never seem to FINISH them..heh

Which makes me think…over at Zen Habits Leo talks frequently about goals and accountability. He says that when you make a goal you should basically tell everyone you can about it and keep them posted on your progress. He says it will inspire you to achieve your goals because you don’t want to report to everyone that you have failed.

I can see where this can help a lot of people in a lot of situations, however, in some cases (like my novel) if you are working on it just so you can tell everyone how well you are doing, it can make it feel as if you are doing it for them, not for yourself. Like I said, this can work for some goals, but when it is something that is fueled mostly by your sheer desire to do it, this can be fatal. In my experience this is certainly true in the case of creative writing. I get my friends all excited about my story that i find myself working on it just so that they can be satiated by the next chapter, not because I am inspired and excited about the work myself. You can tell too, you can go through my old stories and tell which parts I wrote because I wanted to and which parts were written because my friends wanted me to.

So sometimes it’s okay to have private battles. When I finish my novel i will feel even more proud because I will know I did it for me, because I wanted to, and I created something worthwhile. Plus, the look of surprise on people’s faces when they are presented with my finished draft when they weren’t even aware that I had been slaving over the thing for nights on end will be well worth it.

So, I’ll tell you I am writing a novel, but I wont tell you what it’s about and I wont tell you how far I am.

BFF

The friendship that can cease has never been real.

Saint Jerome (374 AD - 419 AD)

Well, my best friend in the whole world is coming to town tomorrow. She lives across the country from me and I haven’t seen her in almost four years. This unbelievably exciting opportunity has given me a new lease on life in ways I wasn’t expecting. It’s as is I am coming back to myself. I grew up with Kristen and her influence has greatly affected the way I think and act. I sometimes think about what I would be like if I had never met her.

I would not have such a passion for writing, because our love of it grew with each other.

I would not have my spirituality, for we discovered it together.

I would not have my love of nature, for we first really explored it together.

Friendship is a gift, and yes, I do know how cliche that sounds. However, it’s true and when you have a really good friend, a true friend, you can’t let anything get in the way of it. At the end of my freshman year my mom and stepdad got divorced and my mom and my brothers and I were moving back to Idaho from New Jersey to be closer to family. I was devastated to be moving away from Kristen. But here I am, three years later, trying to figure out where she will sleep when she visits.

True friends never stop being your friends. I know how difficult it can be to maintain friendships when you have depression or another disorder, but just remember that they are still there. They haven’t gone anywhere. And they know exactly what kind of ice cream you want to go with your favorite romantic comedy.

Goodnight everyone. Sleep well and have a great tomorrow.

Confidence

If you hear a voice within you say “you cannot paint,” then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.

~Vincent Van Gogh

I step into the debate round. I am not prepared for this. My stomach churns at the sight of my opponent’s fancy briefcase. I really really want to go home. I shuffle to my place and fumble with my papers. When I speak, I sound like a lost child. I lose the debate round and, it feels to me, the respect of my teammates. The frustrating thing is that if I knew then what I know now, I could have debated the kid so hard he would be in tears. Even with a crummy case and bad organization skills.

It’s all about confidence.

Had I walked in there faster, talked louder, and acted more important, I could have won because in competitive debate as well as in life…it’s all about confidence. Whether or not you have the upper hand in a situation, if you act as if you do, you will be more likely to succeed.

This explains the semi-attractive girls with the crowds of men at their feet. She is not actually better than you (I promise.) she just acts like it. Studies show that if women think they are hot, more men tend to agree with them. Who wants to be with someone who doesn’t even like themselves anyway?

But I am sure you have heard this before. It sounds simple, right? It’s not. I know it. It’s hard to be confidant, no matter who you are. So here are some tips to help get your started.

• Fake it ‘til you make it. Let’s look back at my ill-fated debate round. In competitive debate, half the battle is in the suit. Who ever has the nicest suit will probably win. Why? Because the person in the nicest suit feels hot. When you know you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, you perform better. So, even if you think you have no chance of doing well in an interview, or getting that special someone to go out on a date with you, if you walk in thinking “I am awesome.” It will show. Nothing is more intimidating in debate than a guy with a black suit and matching briefcase. Even if the briefcase is his dad’s and is full of blank papers with doodles on them. Those guys win. A lot.

• Do what you are good at. This is a trick I implement before dates and interviews alike. Before I go, I set aside time to do something that I know I am really good at. For example, I will often write poetry before going on a date because when I complete a poem it makes me feel better about myself. This has been much more successful for me than spending 30 minutes before the date scrutinizing the size of my butt in the mirror. So, next time you need to make an impression, do something you know you are good at before hand. Then, even if the guy doesn’t ask you out again, you are still a freaking amazing poet.

• Be prepared. To go back to debate again, I also know that I was not prepared for that round. I hadn’t done my research, and I lost. You are more likely to appear confident if you are confident (Duh, right? But sometimes it helps to have “duh” things written out and solid.) Do your homework; it’s almost always worth it.

These are only a couple of examples that have turned out very helpful in my experience. I certainly hope they work for you too. Good luck!

(originally posted on my old blog on May 18, 2008)

5 reasons to Keep a Journal

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. ~Ray Bradbury

I consider myself a very lucky person. I have many good things in my life, I have a wonderful family, a roof over my head, goodish grades in school, but most of all, I have a sincere joy of writing. I have kept a journal regularly since I was very young. The first time I remember really picking up a personal journal was when my grandmother died hen I was seven (I think. The memory is vague)

I know that everyone knows that writing is good for you. The first thing out of most therapists mouths if you go to counseling is “Keep a personal journal.” I know that, personally, writing has saved my life in MANY instances. I have struggled with depression for a good chunk of my life and Panic Disorder for a smaller, but still considerable, chunk of it too. I felt suicidal, and I would take out my notebook and write until my brain was empty. Writing can help you with anything though, from boredom to rage to insomnia.

Most of all, a personal journal is essential to anyone trying to find their way. Heres why.

1. You will not be judged. No one is going to read your journal but you, unless you want them to. So you can feel free to open up for once. talk about how skanky you think that one chick is. Write out all the juicy details of that particularly sexy dream you had. Write pages and pages of literary crap for the fun of it. Don’t edit yourself. This can be scary and feel weird at first, but you get used to it. I promise.
2. You will understand yourself more. I once had a really awful breakup. I kept telling myself that I didn’t care about that cheating sonofabitch it and that I was moved on. Then one day I was flipping though my journal. I literally had pages upon pages of me talking about how I was so over him. Hmm…..
3. You will learn to see art everywhere. Keeping a journal is kind of like buying a really fancy photographer’s camera. There are two things that could happen. You could think that the camera is too scary and you will break it if you touch it, or worse, someone will see those stupid ugly photos you took. Or you can take that camera with you everywhere, and suddenly even small things like dandelions thriving in the cracks of a sidewalk has the potential to be a stunning and thought provoking image. Nothing is too small or insignificant to be beautiful.
4. You WILL have inspiration. I often get these random intense urges to write fiction. I will sit at the computer, my fingers poised at the ready to create the next great American novel. Nothing comes out. I have no stories in my head, just the desire to write SOMETHING. This is when I take out an old journal. I flip to a promising looking page and read it. I am very often surprised by my own writing. A random boredom-inspired journal entry about the old lady that lives across the street could blossom into an idea. “I wonder why she lives alone, was she ever married, what was her husband like? Does she have kids? Why don’t they visit? Maybe they are captives or convicts or foreign politicians. Maybe she is a spy……”
5. You will have SOMETHING: Do you ever look back at the past week, month, year, or whatever and think, “God, my life is so boring. I have done nothing interesting.” Well, even if your life seems boring, keeping a journal will make you feel much better about yourself because, even if after a month all you have is a journal full of your complaining about work. You FILLED and entire BOOK with writing. I can’t explain the cathartic feeling of flipping though a newly filled journal (even if it is just full of “boring” writing)

Keeping a journal is cheap. You don’t have to go out and buy a moleskin journal and a fancy cartridge pen. Personally, I stock up on spiral notebooks and composition books in the fall when they are a dime a dozen. In fact, i encourage keeping a personal journal in a cheap notebook. It keeps you from taking yourself too seriously. I have some very fancy pens, but I hardly ever use them because when I do I feel like I should be writing something worthy. Your journal doesn’t have to be worthy of anything. It’s just you. It’s you being bored. It’s you being pissed off. It’s you being sad. It’s you being creative.

It’s you being free.

(Originally posted on a previous blog on May 9, 2008