A very glum, very foggy, very drippy sort of day.

Howdy, friends! It’s a very glum, very foggy, very drippy sort of day today. My camera is cheap enough to really need a sunshine-y day to take good pictures, so pardon the photo quality in this post.

Since my last post, I figured out what was wrong with my sock. I think I have managed to fix it so that it looks good enough for me. It’s not perfect and my socks will be *slightly* different, but I’m okay with that. I love knitting, and I love wearing knitted socks, so these socks are Enough. I haven’t gotten too far on the sock, I’m still decreasing the gusset stitches after the heel. (I’d show you a picture but I can’t get a good enough photo in this light. Use your imagination. ^^ ) I haven’t started any other craft projects though, so I am still on track for my goal of finishing up the unfinished projects in my closet. Now that I think of it, glum, foggy, drippy sorts of days make good days for knitting socks. I’ll probably get pretty far on it today!

Two new things came into my house since my last post. Books! Two of them! D and I noticed a new used book shop in town, I don’t know how new it actually is, but we had never seen it before. It’s a really sweet little shop. As is expected, there is a huge selection of paperback romance novels and westerns, but there is also a respectable collection of philosophy, religion, and poetry.

 

This is a Big Red Book that I had to have. It’s like an encyclopedia of Ballet. For each ballet it gives the opening dates, principal dancers, stage directions, and any cultural notes. It’s fun to sit on the floor with your legs crossed and this Big Red Book on your lap.

Maybe I will live to see all of these ballets!

This is the other book I got. The store owner gave it to me for half off when he saw how my face lit up when I saw this little book sitting innocently on the shelf. It’s a Sunday missal (or catholic prayer book) and I am madly, deeply, in love with it. I’ve spent at least five cumulative hours in it and I’ve only had the book for a day. I have a feeling that this book and I are going to become good friends.

Talk again soon!

-Alek

Mary Mary quite contrary

I have had my first really big panic attack of the season. It was two nights ago. Sweet mercy, it was terrible. I ended up almost overdosing on my klonopin, throwing up bile, and screaming at my mom through the phone. My problem was that I was completely ungrounded. I had managed to get myself in a train of thought that led me further and further from my home. I was constantly thinking about the universe, black holes, alien races, infinity and such. It was scary to me, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was like having a song stuck in my head, but instead of a song it was scary abstract thoughts that made me feel alone and hopeless. I was beside myself with terror at the thought that there might not BE anything after this life.

It was augmented by the fact that I have been going through something of a crisis of faith. I normally wouldn't refer to this kind of change to a "crisis" but, given the effect it has had on me, I think it's appropriate. Catholicism is attracting me like a magnet right now and I am honestly considering conversion. Now, I say this, but I don't know that the Catholic community would actually welcome me, because no religious teaching will cause me to betray my liberal ideals. However, I feel a sudden and very strong connection to Mary and Jesus. Their mythology is different from the God/Goddess theory that I tend to agree with, but in many ways they do fit the bill. I have been praying the rosary daily for a couple weeks now and I have found that this practice has brought me moments of profound peace. I'm not going to ignore this calling that I feel just because I disagree with some of the political positions of the Catholic Church.

One thing I find enlightening about Catholicism is that Jesus and Mary are the conduits through whom we can contact God. I've had trouble with the God concept in the past because I can't relate to it. How on earth can someone worship something that they can't even fathom? Jesus and Mary represent the essence of God in a human form that I can understand and therefore revere appropriately.

This mental shift has left me feeling a bit icky. I don't want to abandon the archetypeal Goddess and God of Wiccan mythology, and I don't think I ever will. I am trying to somehow mesh these two powerful theologies, but am finding it difficult for obvious reasons.

I have always known that I should follow my heart, no matter where it goes, when it comes to my spiritual journey. I find solace in the belief that God (who/what ever that is) understands that I am doing my best. I'm just in a kind of weird in-between stage right now. Don't worry though, my dear lovely blog readers, witchy goddessy dirt-worshiping hippy stuff will continue to be a huge part of my life and of this blog.

Hopefully things will fall into place soon.