I have had my first really big panic attack of the season. It was two nights ago. Sweet mercy, it was terrible. I ended up almost overdosing on my klonopin, throwing up bile, and screaming at my mom through the phone. My problem was that I was completely ungrounded. I had managed to get myself in a train of thought that led me further and further from my home. I was constantly thinking about the universe, black holes, alien races, infinity and such. It was scary to me, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was like having a song stuck in my head, but instead of a song it was scary abstract thoughts that made me feel alone and hopeless. I was beside myself with terror at the thought that there might not BE anything after this life.
It was augmented by the fact that I have been going through something of a crisis of faith. I normally wouldn't refer to this kind of change to a "crisis" but, given the effect it has had on me, I think it's appropriate. Catholicism is attracting me like a magnet right now and I am honestly considering conversion. Now, I say this, but I don't know that the Catholic community would actually welcome me, because no religious teaching will cause me to betray my liberal ideals. However, I feel a sudden and very strong connection to Mary and Jesus. Their mythology is different from the God/Goddess theory that I tend to agree with, but in many ways they do fit the bill. I have been praying the rosary daily for a couple weeks now and I have found that this practice has brought me moments of profound peace. I'm not going to ignore this calling that I feel just because I disagree with some of the political positions of the Catholic Church.
One thing I find enlightening about Catholicism is that Jesus and Mary are the conduits through whom we can contact God. I've had trouble with the God concept in the past because I can't relate to it. How on earth can someone worship something that they can't even fathom? Jesus and Mary represent the essence of God in a human form that I can understand and therefore revere appropriately.
This mental shift has left me feeling a bit icky. I don't want to abandon the archetypeal Goddess and God of Wiccan mythology, and I don't think I ever will. I am trying to somehow mesh these two powerful theologies, but am finding it difficult for obvious reasons.
I have always known that I should follow my heart, no matter where it goes, when it comes to my spiritual journey. I find solace in the belief that God (who/what ever that is) understands that I am doing my best. I'm just in a kind of weird in-between stage right now. Don't worry though, my dear lovely blog readers, witchy goddessy dirt-worshiping hippy stuff will continue to be a huge part of my life and of this blog.
Hopefully things will fall into place soon.
