Spiritual Dry Spells

"My faith is sometimes that my faith will return."

I came across this quote a while ago online. It's attributed to J K Rowling, who was referencing something Graham Greene once said. When I read it a light came on in my head. You know when sometimes it's like words or phrases or images can "sing" to you? In the pagan community these moments of enlightenment are sometimes called cosmic two by fours, like the Gods are hitting you over the head with a truth and once you get it you feel a little stupid for having taken that long to listen. I've also heard people refer to these moments as God breezes. However you want to say it, I'm pretty sure this is a universal experience. Since this little sentence resonated so much with me, I want to share what I think it means.

So, let's talk about spiritual dry spells, shall we? I think these are also universal experiences. I don't think anyone can get through a whole life without having a few serious spiritual dry spells. This is when you just get caught up in the day to day point A to point B parade and give little time or energy to deeper matters. It happens. You can't beat yourself up for it. For people like me who are spiritual by nature, it can be pretty difficult to go through these times. A while ago, I'd say at least a year ago, I was struggling with this lack of balance between the spiritual and the mundane. I was actively fighting for my medical health, I was at a time in my life where I had to plan every day how I would handle the anxiety and depression that had settled into my heart and it took all of my energy to stay stable. I didn't have enough energy left over to meditate or look into any new religious ideas or spend any time in devotional activities.

This is when many other bloggers might start talking about how our soul's well-being is supposed to be numero uno on the list of priorities. As ideal as that sounds, I don't think it's practical. It's all well and good to work on coming to terms with ones eventual decline, death, and hopefully commencement into a hereafter, but at the same time, life is happening right now. We may be more advanced than our pets, but we are certainly animals, and our god-given natural instinct tells us to see to our physical well being first. When I was on the debate team in high school, one thing we often brought up in our cases was Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, the foundation of which is the physical self. Without this, none of the other natural rights can be achieved. What I'm trying to say is that first things come first. Sometimes our immediate physical needs is more important than adhering to our normal routine of devotion and thanksgiving.

And that's okay. I promise.

Just because you haven't prayed in a while doesn't mean God has forgotten you. The Divine Spirit, that unnamable God which permeates all things, doesn't have a mind like ours. It can't run out of memory space. Every tiny action or exchange of energy alters the fabric of existence forever, and since God *is* that fabric, of course he knows all about it. I think that, in the same way I am aware that my hair grows faster on the right side of my face than the left, God is aware of the uniqueness that is me, since I am a part of God's body.

We, as humans with human minds, can sometimes forget though. We can't always be aware of everything in the way that God is. So sometimes we forget about the Divine. Of course, this isn't the ideal state of existence, but who can maintain an ideal indefinitely but God?

I think it's important to remember that life tends to go in cycles. You might be in a spiritual dry spell right now, and if you are, just know that it will end eventually. We all go through ups and downs in this respect just as we go through ups and downs with everything else in our life. The important thing is to keep in mind that right now isn't forever.

On Bigness, A Post In Which the Author Comes to Understand a Prayer

View from 149249513 km above 70°N 146°25'W

Satellite data provided by The Living Earth^® Inc./Earth Imaging
© 1996, All Rights Reserved.

I found this image the other night while I was feeling pretty down, and I soon realized that this image had had an extremely comforting affect on me. The following post is some out-loud thinking on my part as to why.

I have a problem with Winter, as some of you know. I tend to become depressed this time of year. Over the years I have come to the conclusion that this has a lot to do with the lack of sunshine we get in the Winter. This image made me remember that, even at the darkest time of the night at the darkest time of the year, it is a sunshiny afternoon somewhere not so very far away.

I think that a lot of us get tricked into thinking that the world is just what we see of it. We get so caught up in our own lives that we forget that our life is actually small and insignificant in the slightly bigger scheme of things. I think this might be part of what Shakespeare meant when he said; "There are more things in Heaven and Earth that are dreamt of in your philosophy."

The thought that the universe (Multiverse? Infiniverse? Whatever we're calling it these days" is infinite is infinitely comforting because there are infinite reasons to be happy. Are you following me? No matter how horrible things seem right now, be comforted in the fact that nothing has changed. The world is still beautiful. Love still thrives on this little blue marble in the vastness of space. Or, to put it another way...

As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be. World without end. Amen.

I think this post may be a bit confusing. The thoughts are still raw, you see, and not very eloquently communicated. But for now, this is my best.

Mary Mary quite contrary

I have had my first really big panic attack of the season. It was two nights ago. Sweet mercy, it was terrible. I ended up almost overdosing on my klonopin, throwing up bile, and screaming at my mom through the phone. My problem was that I was completely ungrounded. I had managed to get myself in a train of thought that led me further and further from my home. I was constantly thinking about the universe, black holes, alien races, infinity and such. It was scary to me, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was like having a song stuck in my head, but instead of a song it was scary abstract thoughts that made me feel alone and hopeless. I was beside myself with terror at the thought that there might not BE anything after this life.

It was augmented by the fact that I have been going through something of a crisis of faith. I normally wouldn't refer to this kind of change to a "crisis" but, given the effect it has had on me, I think it's appropriate. Catholicism is attracting me like a magnet right now and I am honestly considering conversion. Now, I say this, but I don't know that the Catholic community would actually welcome me, because no religious teaching will cause me to betray my liberal ideals. However, I feel a sudden and very strong connection to Mary and Jesus. Their mythology is different from the God/Goddess theory that I tend to agree with, but in many ways they do fit the bill. I have been praying the rosary daily for a couple weeks now and I have found that this practice has brought me moments of profound peace. I'm not going to ignore this calling that I feel just because I disagree with some of the political positions of the Catholic Church.

One thing I find enlightening about Catholicism is that Jesus and Mary are the conduits through whom we can contact God. I've had trouble with the God concept in the past because I can't relate to it. How on earth can someone worship something that they can't even fathom? Jesus and Mary represent the essence of God in a human form that I can understand and therefore revere appropriately.

This mental shift has left me feeling a bit icky. I don't want to abandon the archetypeal Goddess and God of Wiccan mythology, and I don't think I ever will. I am trying to somehow mesh these two powerful theologies, but am finding it difficult for obvious reasons.

I have always known that I should follow my heart, no matter where it goes, when it comes to my spiritual journey. I find solace in the belief that God (who/what ever that is) understands that I am doing my best. I'm just in a kind of weird in-between stage right now. Don't worry though, my dear lovely blog readers, witchy goddessy dirt-worshiping hippy stuff will continue to be a huge part of my life and of this blog.

Hopefully things will fall into place soon.

Here is the church and here is the steeple

So yesterday I went to church with my mother-in-law. It was my idea, and an idea that came up suddenly. I hadn’t even been thinking about it before I did it. I just noticed that it was Sunday and thought “Man, I kind of miss going to church.” Which led to “I bet Jan’s getting ready for church right now.” Which led to “I should text her and see if I can go.”

Jan, of course, was all for it. She really is a wonderful person. One might be inclined to think that, being a devout Mormon herself, she would go out of her way to try and force me to go to church and convert me and also bring her son back to the flock, so to speak. But no, she’s never been like that at all. She really does see the good in people and even when you can see that it’s hard for her, she does her best to understand and not judge people she disagrees with. She’s an incredibly strong woman and a great mother. I’m glad to have a mother-in-law like her.

Ahem, anyway, got sidetracked there.

I had a great time at the LDS church.I had totally forgotten that in the Mormon church you don’t go up to the front to receive communion (Or Sacrament as they call it, but I’m pretty sure it’s the same thing.) but that people come down the aisles and the bread and wine (Water, actually) get passed amongst the parishioners. I was all ready to stand up and get in line but then I was like “Oh yeah! I remember this!” I used to think the Sacrament was like grown-ups snack time. Haha.

Eh, I just realized that some of my readers might be confused right now. I was Mormon as a young child. That’s why I remembered some stuff.

I also got to go to the Relief Society class, which was kind of exciting because we left the church before I got out of Primary school (Relief Society is a church group for adult women.)

Now, obviously there were quite a few teachings I heard that I didn’t believe to be true. That was to be expected, but all the same, I had a good time. Even though I disagreed with many of the things being said, as I sat and listened I felt a great deal of peace building inside of me. Being surrounded by people who truly believe in their religion and who are so profoundly comforted by their belief is a wonderful experience. Religion is such a powerful force and it’s great to see people who experience it on such a personal level.

Granted, I very well may be way off. For all I know, many of the parishioners were political and fought for governmental change that I am firmly against. Many of them may have been suffering by going to a church that they felt was holding them back and trapping them in bad situations.

I’m sure not all of them were as peaceful as they seemed within the church.

At the end of the day though, we were all at church and what they did or how they felt outside of church wasn’t relevant. For a few hours everyone was quiet and humble and comforted.

It was a good thing.

I wish pagans had weekly church. Once a month to get together and celebrate the full moon just isn’t enough to build the kind of strong community I felt in the LDS church. As a kind of wayward pagan, with my perhaps unusual agnostic beliefs, community is something I crave on a deep level. So even though I will never completely agree with them, even if they never fully accept me, and even though those same people may be my “enemies” politically, I’d like to go to church  more often.

After all, any religion that brings people comfort and peace is valid and worth study, even if parts of it are contrary to your personal beliefs.

A questionnaire.

Yeah yeah, it's been forever. I don't feel like doing an update-y post today though. Too much work. Instead, I found a questionnaire that I thought was pretty fun and might give ya'll a better picture of what exactly it is I believe in. Might help myself answer that question more fully as well.

I'll start writing regularly again soon, I promise.

 

 

PAGAN QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you have a magical name?
No. Honestly, I think it's kinda silly. And I like my real name.

Does it have a special meaning?
Not applicable

How did you find Wicca/Paganism?
Oh god, it's hard to say. There seemed to be a period of a few months where everywhere I went I heard about it or saw something about it and I just kind of gradually drifted over.

How long have you been practicing?
It's hard to say, again. I think I did my first spell in middle school so that means...at least seven years. I think.

Solitary or group practitioner?
I've been to a few full moon rituals, but at my core I feel better about practicing alone.

What is your path?
I guess you could call it eclectic agnosticism, but that sounds lame. I keep my mind open to God, no matter where I find it, so my "path" changes regularly, or rather, it is regularly added to.

Are you out of the broom closet?
Yes, my family and friends know that I identify as pagan, but it's not like it's the first thing I spout out to new people I meet either. If religion happens to come up organically in a conversation, sure, I'll share, but I'm not one of those who say "Oh yeah? Well I'm a WITCH!" or whatever.

Gods/Goddess

Who are your patron Gods?
I don't have one.

 
Who are your matron Goddesses?
I don't have one.

Which Gods/Goddess' do you worship?
I don't worship them. I see gods from most religions as archetypes that can be helpful in visualization etc, but do I actually think there are people up in the clouds who are intensely invested in my, or anyone else's, personal life? No. The only "god" I worship is the Divine Spirit or whatever the hell you want to call it. I should do a separate blog post about this question.

Do you fear dark aspects of the Gods/Goddess, or rather, respect them?

Fear and respect are not mutually exclusive. I both fear and respect the cruel side of nature and divinity.

Do you worship the Christian God?
No. But more power to those who do.

Do you ever worship animals?
no

Or plants?
no

Nature

Do you regularly commune with nature?
It depends on what you define "commune" to mean. I've been known to stare at trees for uncomfortable amounts of time. Does that count?

Ever walked barefoot in the woods?
No, that's dangerous. I'd do it in my yard though.

 
Taken a camping trip just to talk to nature?
I don't really do camping. I know, I'm a terrible pagan.

Describe the moment you felt closest to Mother Earth?
One time my best friend and I went exploring in the woods behind her house. It was awesome.

What is/are your power animal(s)?
Don't have one. This is another common thing in paganism that I find a wee bit silly.

Do you have a familiar?
I have pets who I am close to and feel like I have an almost human relationship with, but I don't know about familiars.

Have you ever called upon the powers of an animal in ritual?
Probably.

Or a plant?
Probably.

Do you hug trees?
No. But I like to lean against them. That's kind of like a backwards hug, yes?

Give them gifts?
Biodegradable offerings of milk or rose water or a scrap of paper with a message on it? Sure.

What is your favorite flower to work with?
Rose.

What is your favorite tree to work with?
I like a good solid tree with not too many branches at the bottom so I can sit against it. Doesn't matter what sort of tree it is as long as it meets these requirements. Haha

Wheel of the Year

What are your favorite holidays?
Yule and Ostara

What is your least favorite holiday?
Not really a fan of Samhain. I know, I'm a terrible pagan.

Have you ever held a ritual on a holiday?
Yes

 
Ever taken a day off work to celebrate a pagan holiday?
No.

Do you celebrate Yule on the 21 rather than the 25?
Yule is on the 21st. I celebrate it on the 21st. I also celebrate a family Christmas on the 25th, but it isn't Yule.

Have you ever felt the Veil thin?
Yes.

Ever danced the Maypole?
I seem to remember doing it once when I was little, but I didn't know what it meant.

Know what the Maypole symbolizes?
Yes. *Eyebrow waggle*

Ever made love on Beltane?
Yes.

How do you usually celebrate the pagan holidays?
Meditating or writing about the holiday, baking, whatever I feel like doing.

Divination

Do you use Tarot?
I use Brian Froud's Faerie's Oracle. While not tarot, they are oracle cards, so no but yes.

Do you use runes?
No.

Do you use a pendulum?
Yes.

Do you use dowsing rods?
No.

Do you use astrology?
Not really.

Any other form of divination?
Almost anything can be divination. I'm sure I do it all the time without even really noticing it.

Spells

What was the first spell you did?
Oh god, I think it was a glamour. Ahahahaha....

What was the latest?

Hmm, I can't really remember. I'm not really big on the Magick stuff. Probably a little something for emotional healing.

Ever done a love spell?
No.

A job spell?
No

A healing spell?
Only psychological or emotional healing. I realize that doing a spell to physically heal an injury or disease is pretty dumb and, while it can be helpful emotionally to work Magick in conjunction with proper medical treatment, it shouldn't be used on it's own. The way I see it, Magick doesn't actually change anything but your mind's own perception of a thing. Before I go off on the subject, I think I'll just make a note that this should be it's own blog post too.

What was the most powerful spell you've ever performed?
My spells for clarity are usually pretty effective.

Cryptozoology

Do you believe in Vampires?
Lol. no.

Werewolves?
...no.

Shape shifters?
What? No.

Elves? Faeries? Dragons? Nymphs? Sprites? Mermaids? Sirens? Satyrs?
No. ("But wait!" you say "didn't you say you used a Faerie Oracle?" Yes. I did and I do, but do I think faeries are real? No. The images on the cards represent universal archetypes, not actual beings.)

Angels?
Hmm...I guess it might be possible.

Ghosts/Spirits?
Probably.

Ever "seen" any of the above?
Nah.

Ever talked to any of the above?
No.

Ever called on any of the above in magic?
no.

Do you have one of them as a personal guardian?
No.

Random

Do you see a rabbit, a man or a woman in the moon?
I can see the man in the moon. My husband see's the rabbit, but I don't see it.

Own a cat?
Two.

 
When you meditate what does your sacred/safe place look like?
A bubble.

Do you work with Chakras?
I know hardly anything about them.

Do you believe in soul mates?
Not really. Maybe.

Ever met one?
It's possible.

Do you have a Spirit guide?
No.

Is it always love and light?
Huh? No.

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