I have had my first really big panic attack of the season. It was two nights ago. Sweet mercy, it was terrible. I ended up almost overdosing on my klonopin, throwing up bile, and screaming at my mom through the phone. My problem was that I was completely ungrounded. I had managed to get myself in a train of thought that led me further and further from my home. I was constantly thinking about the universe, black holes, alien races, infinity and such. It was scary to me, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was like having a song stuck in my head, but instead of a song it was scary abstract thoughts that made me feel alone and hopeless. I was beside myself with terror at the thought that there might not BE anything after this life.
It was augmented by the fact that I have been going through something of a crisis of faith. I normally wouldn't refer to this kind of change to a "crisis" but, given the effect it has had on me, I think it's appropriate. Catholicism is attracting me like a magnet right now and I am honestly considering conversion. Now, I say this, but I don't know that the Catholic community would actually welcome me, because no religious teaching will cause me to betray my liberal ideals. However, I feel a sudden and very strong connection to Mary and Jesus. Their mythology is different from the God/Goddess theory that I tend to agree with, but in many ways they do fit the bill. I have been praying the rosary daily for a couple weeks now and I have found that this practice has brought me moments of profound peace. I'm not going to ignore this calling that I feel just because I disagree with some of the political positions of the Catholic Church.
One thing I find enlightening about Catholicism is that Jesus and Mary are the conduits through whom we can contact God. I've had trouble with the God concept in the past because I can't relate to it. How on earth can someone worship something that they can't even fathom? Jesus and Mary represent the essence of God in a human form that I can understand and therefore revere appropriately.
This mental shift has left me feeling a bit icky. I don't want to abandon the archetypeal Goddess and God of Wiccan mythology, and I don't think I ever will. I am trying to somehow mesh these two powerful theologies, but am finding it difficult for obvious reasons.
I have always known that I should follow my heart, no matter where it goes, when it comes to my spiritual journey. I find solace in the belief that God (who/what ever that is) understands that I am doing my best. I'm just in a kind of weird in-between stage right now. Don't worry though, my dear lovely blog readers, witchy goddessy dirt-worshiping hippy stuff will continue to be a huge part of my life and of this blog.
Hopefully things will fall into place soon.
Everything will fall into place. Whether or not there is a god, or gods, don't let that change how you live your life. Have you ever been somewhere, and had a camera, and you tried so hard to take good pictures that you actually ended up missing the thing you went to see? Life can get that way if you bog yourself down too much with rules. Just make sure you aren't missing out on the experiences of being a human being, with all of the imperfections that come along with it.
ReplyDeleteI guess I had a bad experience. I learned more about love and compassion from getting to know people more than I did from religion. If it ever gets to the point where it makes you feel like you aren't good enough, then its worth reconsidering. There is a world of difference between God, and organized religion. God is awesome, don't get them confused. Don't be afraid to be somebody new, and don't be afraid to admit you were wrong, ever.