Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I'll never let go, Jack.

The truth of the matter is that I feel pretty down right now. I attribute this to the fact that my apartment is always a mess and I can never seem to keep up with it. I’d like to say that it is all the boy’s fault, but it’s not. It is almost the equinox and thus will begin the dark half of the year. My bright outlook on life draining out and with it goes my energy. I slept until 1:30 in the afternoon today. I was going to clean but instead I sat on my but and wasted my day away in front of the TV.

In Wiccan thought, it is said that winter is a time of reflection and inner searching. I think that the fear of this is at the root of my problem with Winter. To quote Plath: “If I rest, if I think inward, I go mad.” And even as I think about this now (as I write my posts serendipitously, there is no planning. There is rarely revision.) it makes more and more sense. Writing is a safer way of reflection than mere thought, but it is essentially the same. Writing often accompanies trauma in my life, it both augments my pain and relieves it in a way that I cant describe. It is when I stop writing that I am overcome. last year I didn’t write at all from just before Christmas until I was admitted in March and forced to write as a part of my therapy. I am trying to think of a good analogy…writing is a wooden board filled with nails. It will keep you afloat in an ocean, but it hurts like hell to lay on it.

This winter, I would rather have a few puncture wounds than drown.

So I’ll need your help. If I disappear from How To Smile e-mail me and nag me and make me write whether I want to or not.

No comments:

Post a Comment